Stuck in the middle

I'm having conflicting emotions. I don't really know where to call 'home'. My parents live in Kelowna and I have a lot of friends there including my best friend of the past 12 years. I still have a job in Kelowna even though I haven't lived there for the past 6 months. Basically I have a life there that I can pick up anytime I want.

But I also have a life on the island, specifically in Naniamo. I have a ton of friends there that I love. I have a job, and I'm in a school program that I enjoy. Camp is less than an hour away and I can see the ocean out of my window in my room. I love the island.

So where is my home? I have roots in Kelowna, and a future in Nanaimo. I have friends in both places, and family all over the country.

I guess for now I'll just keep doing what I do. 'Home' is whichever place I'm not at.

Just listen

If I tell you something, would you please just listen to what I have to say?

Please don't judge or stereotype what I am telling you. I'm sure that your friend so-and-so couldn't have gone through the exact same situation and felt exactly the same as I do about it.

Please don't try and solve my problems. If I wanted to know what you would do in my situation, I'd ask you.

Please don't interupt me to tell me lengthy analogies of situations that you have gone through that somehow relate to what I'm telling you. I don't like feeling vulnerable so it probably took me a lot of courage to tell you what I'm thinking and feeling. Interrupting me to tell stories of how you think I am feeling doesn't help.

If I tell you something, would you please just listen to what I have to say?

My feelings, or lack-thereof

I've realized this past couple of months or so that I'm a bottler-upper. I have a hard time telling people the emotions that I am experiencing or even how I feel about things that are going on in my life. Sure, I can relay straight up facts and tell a good story about them, but I have a hard time including any emotions other than frustration into my stories.

So at an attempt to work on this issue I've uncovered about myself and to hopefully sleep better at night, I am going to list 5 facts that are bothering me right now and 5 emotions to go with them.

1.) I'm irritated and slightly sad that the only reason the guy across the hall from me was paying special attention to me during a movie the other night was because he's trying to 'get in every hot girl's pants' on my floor. I guess you could say that I feel slightly let down. I had hopes that he was just trying to be friendly with no ulterior motives. I guess not.

2.) I'm excited but nervous about going home. I'm afraid that when I get there all of my old friends will have moved on, grown up, and changed so much that I won't even be able to relate to them anymore. I'm scared that I won't have anything in common with them and that my holiday will suck. But at the same time, I'm so excited to go home and see my family. I'm so excited to be able to see my mom and dad face to face. I can't wait to spend time with them.

3.) I'm lonely. I feel like there are people all around me, but none at the same time. I miss actually talking to people about things that matter. I've talked to so many people lately. But I feel like I haven't really talked to anyone in forever. Maybe it's just me.

4.) I'm sad. I'm sad that a lot of my friends are out partying tonight and that at 2 am I am guaranteed at least one drunk text or phone call. It makes me sad that this is the way they choose to have fun. And it makes me sad that they don't even remember it the next morning.

Alright, although I said I would make a list of 5...I can't. I can't think of any other emotions that I am willing to write down on a public blog. But at least 4 is a step in the right direction.

Some more things about me you probably don't know..

• anything artifically cherry flavoured makes me want to hurl


• although I am a lifeguard, and am at the pool on average two times a week to swim, I still have never been off the tallest diving board


• when I was 16 I went to Cuba and bought a cigar to smoke on my 19th birthday. It's still sitting on my dresser waiting for me.


• I am trying to lose weight, not because I think I'm fat, but because I want to be healthier and look better.


• On average two nights a week from when I was 4-12, I would have recurring half-asleep, nightmares in which an evil voice would relay all of my thoughts in my head. It was sometimes accompanied by a nightmare of random dots and lines chasing each other. Every time I had the nightmare I would wake up screaming. The nightmare went away, but I still get the evil voice in my head once or twice a year when I am extremely tired and drifting off to sleep.


• I've experienced the chemically charged, 'sweep her off her feet', head in the clouds, kind of love only once in my life.

Tag, it's my turn

Alright, so I got tagged by Jan in a wierd 'pass on the blog topic' game. The point is to find a word for each letter out of my middle name that relates to me and then explain it. Then when I finish I'm supposed to tag a certain amount of people and tell them to 'play the game' too. But I don't feel like tagging people so if you see this post and want to copy it...be my guest.

Here goes nothing...Oh and PS my middle name is Kathleen if you can't figure it out.

K...

Karate

I took karate for 8 years from when I was 8 until I was 16. I think that my dad despised the idea of raising a 'girly girl', so instead of pirouetteing around a dance floor, I kicked and punched my way through grade school. Like any elite sport, as the years progressed, karate slowly took over my life. Instead of spending time on the weekends hanging out with my friends or watching movies, I would be training. I was at the dojo at least 3 weekday nights all night long, and my weekends always consisted of one type of training camp or another. I can't say I didn't love it. I did. Karate was my life. I eventually quit because it took over my life, but occassionally I miss it. It's not that I miss the actual sport, I just miss the feeling it gave me. I was good at it, and it made me feel good to be better than 99 percent of other people at something. I don't feel that way about most things anymore.

A...

Accoustic

I love accoustic songs. I love accoustic guitars. I love people who play accoustic guitars and accoustic songs. Period. If accoustic were a genre like pop, rock, or opera, my life would be complete.

T...

Toilets

I have horrible luck with toilets. One day during grade 10 I was running late for school and I couldn't find my deodorant. So I went into my parent's ensuite to borrow my mothers. Now there is something you must know about the arrangement of my parent's ensuite to fully understand this story. The toilet in their bathroom is directly below a large cabinet. This is where my parents keep things such as medicine, soap, shaving cream, and...deodorant. So I opened said cupboard in order to get my mom's deodorant and upon opening the cupboard, knocked down a pile of stuff. And of course my father, the primary user of this bathroom, never shuts the toilet lid. And he also never flushes the toilet. So long story short, my mother's deodorant fell into the nasty toilet. And I was in such a hurry that I decided gloves were not an option, and I flushed the toilet. My reasoning was that the gross stuff would be flushed and the deodorant would be too big to fit down the tunnel, so it would stay. And voila! clean toilet in which I could reach my hand down to grab the deodorant from. Not so much. The deodorant flushed half way down the tunnel and got stuck. So I explained the situation to my dad, and seeing as he is Mr. Handiman, he decided that we would have a father-daughter-toilet bonding session. Which basically ended up being him and I shaking and plunging a toilet in the middle of the front yard.

Moral of the story...hire a plumber, or don't wear deodorant.

H...

How I met your mother

I do realise that How I met your mother is just a TV show...but I couldn't think of anything to put under H. So there. This show is addicting. I don't know what it is about it, but I could honestly spend hours watching it. This is my new sick day rerun-watching show. Here is a random quote by Ted that I liked out of the last episode I watched from season 2.

"I think for the most part, if you're really honest with yourself about what you want out of life...life gives it to you."

L...

Love

Obviously L goes with Love. Love (or lack of it) is pretty much the driving force behind everything.
So here's a list of things that I love.
I love...the ocean and the feeling I get when I stand next to it.
I love...driving at night and listening to music.
I love...muscle fatigue.
I love...feeling understood, and at the same time, understanding.
I love...puddle jumping.
I love...feeling loved.

E...

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

I like this passage because whenever I read it, it gives me a little bit of a reality check. When I feel like I hate being a university student and I can't wait to grow up and move on to the next chapter of life...I read this passage and realise that that time will come and that I should be content with where I am right now because I will never be 18 years, 11 months and 4 days old again.

E...

Enormous teddy bear

Basically all you have to know is that if you ever want to make me super super super happy, or for some freak reason I have decided I hate you and you want to get into my good books...buy me a life sized teddy bear.

N...

Nicknames

I have a million nicknames.
Annie, Anna, Anatha, Anica, Anifer, Anaconda, Anchovies, Anthrax, Anne of Green Gables, Six Pack, Sprout, Gromet, Squirt, Mable, Goldfish, Annipoo
Etc etc.

The end.

Things I miss about home

• having a car to drive when I want to go somewhere
• my church, as much as I like church in Nanaimo, it doesn't compare to my church family at home
• having mother-daughter-chats on the kitchen counter
• having a TV and couches rather than a laptop and bed to watch movies on
• having a fully stocked fridge that I didn't have to grocery shop for
• being able to call up my best friend Kim, with the strangest ideas ever, and then doing them
• the snow at Christmas
• my comfy bed
• driving my cat crazy
• going on 'dates' with my dad
• baking with my mother, which inevitably turns into an argument, and then eventually both of us rolling on the floor laughing
• dropping Kim off from a young adults church function and spending hours parked in her driveway just talking
• having food fights and cheesecake eating competitions at work

Abandon ship!

I'm irritated. I'm irritated at people who have a relationship with Jesus Christ as their personal saviour and then turn around and deny their time and energy to another christian. I'm irritated at 'spiritual leaders' who are all talk. They preach about how to stay away from sin, but when a fellow christian has fallen, they are the first to walk out of their lives.

I think this blog is mostly pointed at people my age or a little bit older. I find that a lot of them are so absorbed with themselves, that they forget to take the time to help others. Sure, they find time to proclaim that drinking, drugs, sex and partying are completely wrong, but when a friend stumbles on one of the above, where are these people? They're long gone. And they're using their time and energy to gossip about the person who has stumbled, rather than actually do something to improve the situation.

I wonder, what gives them the right to lecture people, and then completely walk out on them? To go back to the old cliche, What Would Jesus Do, do you really think that Jesus would preach at someone, and then completely ditch them once they had stumbled? I beg to differ. Jesus would be walking right next to that person supporting them through their trials. So how can they justify walking out on someone in a hard time in their walk with God?

I admit, this is a bit personal for me right now. I have a friend who has strayed from her walk with God, and I have other friends who talk about her and her problems all the time yet neglect to do anything to help her. It makes me mad to hear them talk about the actions she has taken and the mistakes she has made and then at the same time see them walk out on her. It makes me mad to talk to her and realise that she is intimidated by these 'friends' because she believes them to be better than her, stronger than her, more Godly than she is. It makes me mad to see that by choosing to ignore my friend's situation, they are effectively driving her deeper along the wrong path. It just makes me mad...

Two-by-fours and other hard objects

I always pray that God would metaphorically whack me over the head with a two-by-four to show me things that He wants me to do, or wants for my life. I'm feeling very punch drunk tonight.

It has become very evident that I have, not intentionally, been avoiding relationships in my life. Whether it's to do homework, hang out with some other friend, or stare at my computer screen, I have been putting off spending time working on relationships in my life that I find more difficult. Relationships that either take more time, or that I don't find immediately beneficial to me. I've been really self-centered and I think God has shown me that I can't continue to follow him and deny these relationships that He has given me.

So from now on, I'm going to spend less time on things that glorify me, and more time and effort on things and relationships especially, that glorify God.

Childlike innocence

I stumbled across this picture tonight as I was looking through photos on my computer. As I gazed at my 2 year old face through my computer screen, I found it hard to recognize this little girl sitting on the Fischer-Price toy in front of me. Same dark eyes, same facial structure, my hair was a bit blonder back then, but still recognizable as me in the picture. Yet so much has changed since the summer day on which this photograph was taken.

I've grown up from the 2 year old little girl in the polka-dotted, white sundress to who I am today; an almost 19 year old university student.

I have made and treasured relationships with many people. I have made a few friends that I know will be around for the rest of my life. I have travelled to Cuba and France and seen the way that the people there live their lives. I have loved and been loved. I have graduated and learned to drive. I've cried, laughed, danced and yelled. I have grown in my faith and in my love of Christ.

Yet, for all of the amazing opportunities and learning that I have experienced in my life since this picture was taken, I still envy this little girl for something she has that I have somehow lost. Her innocence and complete dependance on something bigger than herself.

Through the many roads I have traveled, and the many things I have seen, I have lost that childlike innocence. The world is no longer a huge playground for me to play in, a happy place full of love and joy. I no longer look to my daddy for everything that I need. I have learned to rely on myself for my wants and needs.

I think this relates to my spiritual life as well. When I was young, I knew little and relied completely on my parents for my wants and needs. Now that I have grown older, I have learned to rely on myself more and more. In this way, I have developed tendencies to also act that way towards God. I offer Him situations in my life, but attempt to work through these situations that I have 'given God control of', by myself. Although I pray about situations, there is always an ounce of me that holds on and refuses to let go.

So this is what I'm praying for. In a small way, I would like to remain like this little girl. A child who, through everything she does, still relies on her Father up above to supply her with her every need.

Luke 18:16-17
Then Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn't recieve the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it."

Soul mates

I went for a walk with a friend today around Nanaimo and we got on the topic of soul mates and whether we actually believed there was such a thing.

This is something I often wonder about. Is there really just one person out there, out of the +/- 7 billion people in this world who is entirely perfect for me? One person, living anywhere on this planet, who could compliment me in every way? Is it possible that God has one man in mind for me, only one man, and that I would be more blessed with this one man than anyone else in this world? And if there is only one man set aside with my name across his forehead, would God continually lead me back to him if I chose another path to follow?

Or could it be that God has more than one person set aside with whom He would fully bless a relationship? Is it possible that no matter how much I mess up God's plans for my life in that area, that He will still provide me with someone? Or is it just a hit and miss deal?

Sometimes I wonder if I think too much.

You know you live in residence when...

• you can sleep through ANYTHING
• your daydreams in class consist of you sitting at your kitchen table at home with your mother serving you home cooked food
• you are highly skilled in the art of floor organization because you have no shelves left to fill
• you have no sense of what-not-to-wear-in-public. Noone cares when you walk around residence in your pajamas/boxers...why should anyone outside?
• you have spent days/weeks without actually leaving campus
• you do your cooking on the days imediately preceeding cleaning lady visits because the kitchen actually looks like a kitchen then

You know you're a college/university student when...

• your heart jumps everytime you see a pdf version of something on Google. (It means you can actually use it as a valid source of information for a paper.)
• you can quote on demand at least 5 ways to make spaghetti taste good.
• you have two calendars on your wall; one for assignment due dates, and one for social things
• the assignment calendar on your wall has more on it than the social calendar
• you read ALL the time, but can't remember when the last time you read a novel was
• you can quote the entire APA citation system

'Katrina's wings'

I do not recall which day that God created love. But Sister Bickle had told me more than once that He demonstrated it and gave man the ability to exercise it, which tells me that God's never-changing character embodies this ethereal nature called love. Always has. He owns it. He is love. And everything He touched left traces of it all over the earth, an elixir that smelled good to girls and caused boys to lose their ever-loving minds.

It made me believe that if God had handed each person - say Adam and Eve, for starters - a little box and said, "Now here's your portion of love. Don't spend it all in one place," man would have taken his box. But instead of handing it over to his mate, he would have poured it out all over his puny, quivering, naked body as he danced in paradise and shouted to Eve, "Look at me, I'm in love, I'm in love," while Eve just shook her head and said, "You certainly are, Adam. Have a good time without me."

But God allowed little potent traces of love to inhabit us in places where we could not extract it and use it for our own selfish purposes. We could only give it away. Therein lies the essence of heartache - the pain of what ensues thereafter.

And that is what robbed me of sleep.

Things that I miss...or that I just really enjoy

• having an entire day with no plans and choosing to waste it away by reading a really good book
• driving around Kelowna in the dark
• going to karate workshops, spending 8 hours a day for 3-4 days straight working my butt off before going back to the condo/hotel in pain and complete fatigue, and loving every second of it
• going on walks and having a hand just 'there' for you to hold
• being at my grandma's old house
• spending an entire day out on the lake in a sailboat or a Hobie cat
• standing on the dock at camp during the thursday night taper services and watching the sun go down
• living with anywhere from 2 to 4 other girls in a crowded one room cabin
• having 'mother-daughter' chat time
• watching a movie with someone special and having absolutely no idea what's actually going on because you spend all of your energy watching the person rather than the TV
• sitting in a hot tub late at night looking at the stars

Fear

I was looking underneath my bed the other day and found a box of random things I had brought to Nanaimo from Kelowna that I conveniently forgot to unpack. In the box was an old journal full of quotes, excerpts from books, and song lyrics that I have liked. Here is an excerpt from a book called 'The life of Pi' by Yann Martel.

I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease.

It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble.

You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You find yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread.

Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an oppossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees start to shake as though they were dancing. Your head strains too much while your sphincter relaxes too much. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart.

Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear. Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you've defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you.

The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it.

So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.

Feminists...ugh

If there is one thing that I find extremely irritating, it has to be feminists. I just don't understand them.

I do realize that back in the day women were viewed as less than men. I understand that that wasn't entirely fair. But I don't understand how in this day and age, that can be used as an argument. "Women should have more rights than men because of how our great-great-great-great-grandmothers were treated." Get over it. Women nowadays, at least in Canada, have amazing opportunities. We can wear whatever we want, get any job or education we want, etc. Sure there are men around who discriminate against women, but there are also women around who discriminate against men.

What are feminists anyways? They're some sort of hybrid species...a cross between a guy and a girl. Sure they look female, but their aggressive, masculine attitudes indicate differently. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that girls should be submissive, quiet, and unobstrusive. I just think that a healthy balance is required. And I don't believe that feminists have that.

I feel sorry for guys out there. They try and be nice by opening the door for a woman, and they get shunned for being 'old-fashioned' and for 'treating women differently'. Yet if they don't open the door they are seen as being jerks who don't know how to treat a woman right. Where is the common sense in that?!

I understand that I am a bit old fashioned in my views. I don't see anything wrong with that. I believe that there is a difference in the roles that God intended men and women to play. I believe that God intended men to be the leaders, and women to be their support. I don't mean that women should be bathmats to the men in their lives. Women should still have a backbone. Scripture says that men and women are both equal in God's sight, but if they both try and be the leader then no one wins. God made women to be the supporters, He called them to serve their husbands in everything they do. I think one of the reasons that relationships are so confused nowadays is because of this. Women have shunned their God given duties and attributes.

I bet if you went to a college or university and anonymously surveyed women there you would find that many women have the dream of marrying and having a family. Yet the world shuns this dream. Women who want to settle down into a marraige and children are viewed as old fashioned and not goal oriented. Women are urged to get out, get an education, and join the working force. Women are told they should be independant. "We don't need a man to make us complete." I believe that this is wrong. Sure, we don't need men to complete us, but by choosing to believe that men are not needed in a women's life, we are in fact turning men away from the path God has chosen for them to take.

Just as the world has turned women into dominant and controlling figures, it has also turned men into submissive figures. Men don't have to do anything in order to get women anymore. They just fall into their laps. Men have let go of their God-given inclinations to become doormats. They don't fight for anything anymore. They have been beaten down by our feministic culture, criticized for being too masculine, too protective, too manly. Men are being made to be 'nice'. I can tell you one thing, I don't want a 'nice' man. I want a man who will fight for me, a man who is masculine and has accepted and is working towards the the man that God wants him to be.

What the world needs are men who are willing to work hard in order to obtain things. It needs women who are willing to stand behind the man in their life and support them through everything they do. It needs men who will pursue the woman in their life with all their heart and soul. It needs women who will sit back and wait to be pursued rather than impulsively taking the reins in a relationship.

What the world really needs are men and women who will choose to follow the roles that God has set for them in everything they do.

A few tips I would like to pass on to some guys

The gym is not synonymous with a meat market. Most girls actually go there to get a good work out. Therefore it is not appreciated when you:

a.) stop a girl mid-workout to 'get to know her'. or

b.) stop a girl mid-workout to ask for her number.

When asking for a girl's number, if her response is, "I have a boyfriend", this is not code for... "Keep asking me for my number because eventually I will cave in to you and forget all about my boyfriend to pursue a relationship with someone I don't even know."

Please do not shout, whistle or make obscene gestures out the window when you pass an attractive girl on the street. We are not dogs.

As much as you may love your new boxers, we don't want to see them.

We do realise that we have chests...you don't have to stare at them for us to notice that they are there.

Fashion sense is always a nice thing. Ribbed shirts...no. Hawaiian shorts and striped button-up shirts...no. Wife beaters...no. If you don't know the difference between Abercrombie and Walmart, stick to jeans and a tshirt.

Girls appreciate guys who make first moves. This can be anything from initiating a conversation, to planning a date, to asking her out. It shows confidence when a guy is the initiator. And confidence is hot.

Little things DO count. Actions like holding open the door for a girl to walk through, actually listening to her when she talks and leaving her little notes and emails go a long way to showing a girl that you actually care. We don't need hugely expensive gifts...a little thought goes a long way.

And last but not least...

Crotch grabbing is unacceptable.

A few things I have realised in the past month...

• John Mayer makes for really amazing wake-up music.
• Reading multiple chapters of textbooks is pretty much impossible unless you happen to be in a white, window-less, computer-less, stimulus-less room. And even then it's hard.
• Spaghetti sauce lasts for ages in the fridge...cheese on the other hand does not.
• It is possible to drive a car down a hill without turning it on.
• Recreational level volleyball should really be called, 'Volleyball that does not require any skill or experience whatsoever.'
• Recreational volleyball should NOT be played by anyone who has any skill or experience whatsoever. It is, in fact dangerous to your mental health.
• You can skip classes in University and noone cares!
• It is way easier to wake up at 6am than 7:30am. Yet it is way harder to stay awake in class if you wake up at 6am than if you wake up at 7:30am.
• Parents actually like it if you phone them once in a while.

And...blogger is a really easy way to waste time.

Heaven

I am standing in the smooth sand along the shore of the ocean. The sky is like a blanket wrapping itself around me and the stars are twinkling like tiny fireflies in the sky. I have no shoes on and I can feel the soft, grit of the sand working its way inbetween my toes. My jeans are rolled up just above my ankles, and the frothy waves of the ocean just touch the tips of my sandy toes each time they come rolling in.

There is a warm, soothing breeze floating along the shoreline that carries the calming smell of the salty ocean along with it. My thoughts, like the far-off horizon, seem uncontained and unhindered by emotional and intellectual boundaries.

I'm alone on the beach, yet I can feel another presence with me. The soothing presence of one who knows me better than I know myself. In this one place, I feel God more than anywhere else. In this one place I can pause my scattered thoughts, my over stimulated brain and just relax. I feel at peace in this setting. Time stands still and I feel the God of the Universe reach out to me with loving arms. He shows me the splendor of His creation in the environment that is surrounding me. In the green twinkle of the phosphorescence in the water, the warm breeze that tickles my skin, the sting of the cold water against the tips of my toes, I can feel God demonstrating his unconditional love for me.

This is my happy place. I really wish I could be there right now.

A lesson in labels

In my cultural diversity class today the prof asked us to make a web of four stereotypical labels that we associate ourselves with. We were then asked three questions related to them. One question in particular I found really interesting.

The question was: Share a story about a time it was especially painful to be identified with one of your identifiers or descriptors.

The descriptors that I wrote down on my paper were: Christian, Athlete, Teenage caucasian female and daughter. Looking at question three on the paper, I found it hard to pinpoint a time or experience in which I had felt judged by a certain stereotype. I'm not a minority, I have no disabilities...basically I am an average, white, middle class, Canadian. But then I thought a little harder and was able to come up with a story.

When I was growing up, I was friends with a group of girls all my age, all living within the same neighborhood. We travelled all the way through the public school system together. Elementary school, middle school and finally high school. We were always a tightly knit group. Of course there were benefits to having such a tight group of girlfriends. I was pretty much granted automatic popularity and I never had any troubles finding a friend to hang out with. But I also never gained any individualism. I was seen as a part of a whole rather than the individual that I was. And because I was fairly quiet, it was taken for granted that I was just another version of all my friends. And seeing as all my friends were blonde haired and very ditzy, I gained that reputation as well. Even though I always maintained a high GPA all through school, I was seen as a dumb blonde. And how did I deal with it? I acted the part. Instead of purposely trying to change the stereotype that was placed upon myself, I accepted it as truth and began to act in ways that verified the generalization. I did things like asking stupid questions that I already knew the answer to and dumbing-down my vocabulary. I truly believed that I was stupid.

To this day I have troubles believing that I am smart. I have long since stopped 'dumbing' myself down. Yet I still write off my good grades as school smarts - anyone can read a book or listen to a lecture and answer questions on it. I refuse to accredit myself with anything other than good work habits.

Just thinking about this one scenario in my life makes me understand how and why people are the way they are. Our past and the labels that people have placed upon us do have a big impact on who we become. I could have chosen to ignore the stereotype that I was burdened with. I chose to conform to it instead and I am not proud of that. But other people have more difficult labels placed upon their shoulders. Labels and circumstances like disabilities and poverty that actually limit them physically and circumstancially.

How you deal with these generalizations shapes and molds you into the person you are. Everyone deals with stereotypes in their lifetime. Some people rise above them to accomplish amazing things, others stumble over them their whole lives.

It's all in how you deal...

Some things about me you probably don't know..

• I feel more attractive when I wear my glasses than when I don't. I also find glasses on other people really attractive.
• My favourite movie is Forest Gump and I have no idea why.
• I used to think that if I stood on a chair and covered my eyes with my hands that noone would be able to see me.
• When I find a new song that I love, I play it over and over on repeat until I get tired of it which can be anywhere from 3 days to a week.
• Every night before I went to sleep when I was a child my dad would tell me to pray for 'longer leggies', and I always did. I was the tallest in my class until grade 4 and then I stopped praying for longer legs because I no longer wanted them. Now I'm short.
• I love unstirred soy yogurt.
• I have sprained my ankle twice by stepping on tennis balls.
• I hate talking on the phone.
• If I could choose two skills that I could aquire without any work it would be to be able to speak spanish and play the guitar really well.
• I always wish upon a star.

Insomnia

Lately I find myself waking up at insane hours of the night for no reason at all. There are no noises around to wake me up and even if there were...I'm a very deep sleeper. It's not even the fact that I wake up...it's the fact that when I do wake up I am completely awake. It's not an in between, half-awake-half-asleep frame of mind. When I wake up I am completely aware of everything around me and my thoughts are all very tangible.

And I find that at this point in the night, all I really want to do is pray. I just get an intense urge to offer up everything that is going on in my life and everyone that is involved in it to God. So I end up lying in my bed in the dark praying about anything and everything.

Now in the daytime, thinking back to all the things that I do pray for and have prayed for during the past week or two of interupted sleeping nights...I can really see God working. I've offered up situations to God that I can't seem to grasp on my own. I've asked Him to make things clear to me in a way that I can fully understand what I should be doing according to His plans for my life. And I can see these prayers working in my life.

Maybe it's the fact that when I pray during the day I am distracted and don't pray with all of my attention. But praying at night seems to take away all these distractions for me. It makes my prayers seem so much more real.

God is truly great.

Word of God Speak - MercyMe

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see Your Majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is that it's ok

Things I love...

• running in the middle of a rainstorm getting completely soaked through all of your clothes and stepping through enormous puddles just for fun
• hugs with people you really care about
• finding a new song that I love and playing it on repeat for 3 days straight
• driving late at night by myself listening to relaxing music and thinking about life
• completely connecting with a set at a perfect angle and spiking it straight down into the opponents court...and then hearing your team scream "ace"
• snuggling into a nice warm blanket with a cup of tea and a really good book
• waking up in a wonderful pain after a hard work out the day before
• sending and recieving random encouragement notes
• that feeling you get when a certain special someone smiles at you

Psalm 139:13-16

For You created my inmost being;

You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the

secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes

saw my unformed body.

All the days adorned for me were written in Your book

before one of them came to be.

Non negotiables

I was hanging out with a bunch of people from camp last weekend and we got on the topic of characteristics of a perfect boyfriend/girlfriend.
Most people have grown up with the physical picture of the perfect member of the opposite sex engraved into their minds. Mine as a girl was always a tall, blonde, blue eyed surfer guy. Well liked by girls everywhere he would sweep me off of my feet and carry me off into the sunset while all the other girls jealously watched.
This past weekend reaffirmed the traits that I do and do not want in a potential husband. Through friendships and casual dating my idea of a perfect guy has changed dramatically.
I no longer want a guy that all the girls can't keep their hands off. I don't want a guy who is impulsive enough to carry off a random girl into the sunset.
I do however want a guy who has some colour coordination (fashion sense is key). I want a guy who has a strong relationship with God and who can be the spiritual leader in a relationship. I want a guy who is impulsive enough to go on a road trip with a couple hours notice yet not impulsive enough to make a major life decision without thinking and praying about it. I want a guy who is confident but not cocky. I want a guy who can't live without music. I want a guy who can make me laugh until I cry and who thinks that I'm slightly funny too. I want a guy with goals and aspirations in all aspects of his life.
These are some of the important traits that I need in a guy. Non negotioables.
Just thinking about these things really excites me. Because I honestly believe in my heart that God has a guy set aside just for me who has all of these traits.
And I'm going to try my hardest to trust that God will bring him into my life at the perfect time.