I've discovered something about myself lately. I don't generally want God to do great things in my life. Of course I don't actually consciously pray to God to make my life miserable. But subconsciously I don't 100 percent believe that my life is great enough for Him to work in. And consequently I have chosen to refuse blessings or refuse to acknowledge blessings in my life as a form of punishment to myself. Punishment for not being perfect, worthy, for not trying enough.
I don't know why I never realized this before. Maybe God chose this opportune time in my life to show me that He has great plans for me if I would only believe that I am worthy enough of what He has to give. Or maybe I just refused to open the doors of my heart to this realization until now.
Either way, I want it. I want those great things so bad. And if admitting it is the first step, I am very excited to take the next!
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This may come out harsh.. and it is. but I intend it lovingly :)
Punishing ourselves is a slap in the face to God and what he did for us on the cross. He took the punishment of all our sins and despair so that we NEVER EVER have to. Ever. we get to live in freedom of it all. Just because of His selfless act. I think that we think we are being martyrs or selfless ourselves when we punish ourselves mentally or spiritually or however.. but its not the case. we are just being ignorant.
anyways.. thats what came to mind on this. God gave you life so you can live it. the point being 'live'
:)
I know I do this all the time. Then I remind myself about the slap in the face thing and I'll be good for awhile. Then that need to punish will creep back in and it's a lie for sure, but so hard to keep at bay when you've felt that way for a long time.
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