Spread thin

I'm tired. Exhausted to be precise. And I'm frustrated. Maybe it's just that stereotypical point in the semester where everyone is frazzled to the core, but right now I am extremely burned out and I don't think it has to be this way.

I'm involved in a lot. I have a full course load in school, I volunteer anywhere from 5-10 hours per week as a leader for the University Christian Ministries club on campus, I have relationships with many friends, a boyfriend, and I take a couple of extracurricular activities on the side. I'm busy and I generally enjoy what I do. But I find that by the end of the semester I have poured so much of myself into all of my activities that there is nothing left to sustain myself with. I'm exhausted. I feel unappreciated, and it affects everything that I do. It affects my relationship with myself, my friends, and most of all God.

I feel pressure all of the time to do well in everything that I am involved in. I work hard to excel in my school work. I pour my time and effort into relationships with friends and with students both at UCM and in my core groups. I work hard to be blameless and accountable to everyone in my life that I might be a witness to others. But when all this is done, what is left for me? And especially, what is left for God?

I'm so tired. I don't know how to cope at the end of the semester. I feel pressure from everyone around me to turn to God, acknowledge that I need him, lay my crap down at the cross, and walk away knowing that He loves me and is always with me. So simple a concept, yet so hard to do.

I feel judged for the fact that I am hesitant to let God fill me up. I feel judged that I have allowed myself to hit rock bottom. I feel judged for not being passionate about God because I'm not passionate about His people.

Oh how I look forward to Christmas break.

Love lead me

I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn’t resolve. But I was outside the Baghdad Theatre one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes and he never opened his eyes.
After that I liked jazz music.
Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.

Blue like Jazz - Donald Miller