Spread thin

I'm tired. Exhausted to be precise. And I'm frustrated. Maybe it's just that stereotypical point in the semester where everyone is frazzled to the core, but right now I am extremely burned out and I don't think it has to be this way.

I'm involved in a lot. I have a full course load in school, I volunteer anywhere from 5-10 hours per week as a leader for the University Christian Ministries club on campus, I have relationships with many friends, a boyfriend, and I take a couple of extracurricular activities on the side. I'm busy and I generally enjoy what I do. But I find that by the end of the semester I have poured so much of myself into all of my activities that there is nothing left to sustain myself with. I'm exhausted. I feel unappreciated, and it affects everything that I do. It affects my relationship with myself, my friends, and most of all God.

I feel pressure all of the time to do well in everything that I am involved in. I work hard to excel in my school work. I pour my time and effort into relationships with friends and with students both at UCM and in my core groups. I work hard to be blameless and accountable to everyone in my life that I might be a witness to others. But when all this is done, what is left for me? And especially, what is left for God?

I'm so tired. I don't know how to cope at the end of the semester. I feel pressure from everyone around me to turn to God, acknowledge that I need him, lay my crap down at the cross, and walk away knowing that He loves me and is always with me. So simple a concept, yet so hard to do.

I feel judged for the fact that I am hesitant to let God fill me up. I feel judged that I have allowed myself to hit rock bottom. I feel judged for not being passionate about God because I'm not passionate about His people.

Oh how I look forward to Christmas break.

Love lead me

I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn’t resolve. But I was outside the Baghdad Theatre one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes and he never opened his eyes.
After that I liked jazz music.
Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.

Blue like Jazz - Donald Miller

My early Christmas list..

I know that October isn't over, Halloween hasn't sprung with it's skeletons and candy-overload, the first snowfall hasn't snuck up, and midterm exams aren't over, BUT I'm already writing my Christmas list. However this year's list is quite a lot different than years past. For one, it's not possible to buy anything on this list. And for two, you'd probably be putting God out of a job if you could wrap any of these things up to put under my Christmas tree.

So here is my list of everything I want for Christmas this year.

1.) My roommate's will to break and her to find Jesus in the midst of her brokenness. And for ups to stay up and downs to disappear.

2.) For my parents to still live in Kelowna, yet miraculously be only 15 minutes away from my apartment when I want to see them.

3.) For Kittens and puppies and all medium to large animals of this world to get the love that they deserve. And for them not to get abandoned on the sides of roads and flushed down toilets.

4.) Hillsong to come to Nanaimo.

5.) And world peace. Obviously.

Oh love

Strong like a mother holds her child
Free as horses runnin wild
And real as a prayer on a lonely night
And sure as the ocean tide.

Oh love, oh love
All the many colors that you’re made of
You heal, you bleed
You’re the simple truth and you’re the biggest mystery
Oh love, oh love.

Deep as the life from God’s own breath
Endless even after death
Gone like the sunset.

You can break a heart in pieces
Put it back together again.
You can break down sweet forgiveness
You’re the one that never ends.

Oh love, oh love
All the many colors that you’re made of
You heal, you bleed
You’re the simple truth and you’re the biggest mystery
Oh love, oh love.

Uniquities

• I have three best friends. They all live further than 2 hours away from me and none of them know each other.
• When I was born, my grandpa was dying from lung cancer. We would visit him in the hospital; which is consequently where I learned to walk, and I would cuddle with him on his lap. I was his 'angel sent from heaven to replace him.'
• I have 2 brothers and 4 sisters. None of them are biological. (I also have 3 other mothers.)
  
• My mother dropped me on my head when I was a baby.
• I have eight piercings and only 5 are immediately visible.
• I love cowboys and I think that a flannel button up shirt, nice fitting jeans and a cowboy hat are the sexiest things in the world.
• My family thought I was going to be a veterinarian when I was little because other than snakes, I have never found an animal I didn't love.
  

John 17: 13-16

"I could say," her mother went on, "that living among the hakujin has tainted you, made your soul impure, Hatsue. This lack of purity envelopes you- I see it everyday. You carry it with you always. It is like a mist surrounding your soul, and it haunts your face like a shadow at moments when you do not protect it well. I see it in your eagerness to leave here and walk in the woods in the afternoon. I cannot translate all of this easily, excepts as the impurity that comes with living each day among the white people. I am not asking you to shun them entirely- this you should not do. You must live in this world, of course you must, and this world is the world of the hakujin - you must learn to live in it, you must go to school. But don't allow living among the hakujin to become living intertwined with them. Your soul will decay. Something fundamental will rot and go sour. You are eighteen, you are grown now- I can't walk with you where you are going anymore. You walk alone soon, Hatsue. I hope you will carry your purity with you always and remember the truth of who you are."

- Snow falling on cedars.

The difference between 18 and 19

There's a whole lot more than one number inbetween 18 and 19...

• I enjoy it when my daddy calls me kiddo and my mommy calls me pumpkin. I'm proud to refer to my parents as 'daddy' and 'mommy'. Not everyone had as good of parents as I did, and I'm starting to realize that.
• My legs no longer bend quite as easily and in quite the angle that they used to.
• I have joined the four-eyed species.
• A boyfriend changed from an accessory to a life-time commitment.

And the biggest thing:

My little sister and I were watching Harry Potter the other day and this is how the conversation went.

Annie- "Ron is really cute. He might have to retire soon though, he's getting old, like you!"

Wanted: A snuggle buddy

General job duties:

• this employee will take over the position of the recently deceased; Mr. Teddy
• during work hours, this employee will provide comfort, warmth, and cute phrases to the benefit of the employer (me)
• overtime is required and the employee chosen will constantly be on-call
• must provide good movies, fun and serious conversation and a plethora of original romantic/cute lines

Requirements:

• must be of the male variety
• experience is not necessary, although a general knowledge in the physics of spooning would be preferable
• a sense of humour is required for duties related to snuggling-on-the-couch-during-movies
• subjects with skills in the areas of sweet-talking, hand kissing, and general cuteness will be preferable
• a love of my friends is required and subjects being considered must not become overly attached to the point of clinginess

Please note:

• subjects with excess hair, body odour, or strange noise-making habits will not make it past the screening process
• subjects with tendencies to smoke, fart, belch, say rude things, and comment on the attractiveness of other girls will not make it to the screening process

Untitled

Music tells a lot about someone. It's like a gateway into a person's soul. Anything can be said in words, but music tells so much more. It shows how that person is feeling at that exact moment in time.

I like learning about people through their favourite songs. It tells me a lot about who they really are. It shows me what they crave, what they value... It gives me a little piece of their unique soul.

My favourite alltime songs are:

Name - Goo goo dolls

and

Somewhere in between - Lifehouse.

What are yours?

It's just funny

It's funny that as you grow up the things you used to find stuffy and boring suddenly become enticing.
Like bubble baths in the middle of the day...
...and Amanda Marshall songs

And driving past a specific road sign brings back memories you forgot you had made.
Like fluffy blue cloud shapes...
...and laundry chutes

And the food that made you puke as a kid becomes something you can't get enough of.
Like avacadoes...
...and sun-dried tomato salmon

And dreams that seemed so down-to-earth and old fashioned become something you crave.
Like life insurance...
...and someone to count on til death do you part.

The more I drink, the more I drink

"You see every drink of liquor you take kills a thousand brain cells. Now that doesn't much matter 'cos we got billions more. And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big. And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all. That'ok, that's ok because the stupid cells go next, so everything you say is real smart. And finally, come the memory cells. These are tough sons of bitches to kill."

Stolen from Jan!

1. Pick 15 of your favourite movies.

2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.

3. Post them here for everyone to guess.

4. Fill in the film title once it's guessed.

5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions.


1. That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd run to the end of town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd just run across Greenbow County. And I figured, since I run this far, maybe I'd just run across the great state of Alabama. And that's what I did. I ran clear across Alabama. For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going.

2. We have pictures of you so-called mooners. And just because the pictures aren't of your faces doesn't mean we can't identify you. At this very moment those pictures are on their way to Washington where the FBI has experts in this type of identification. If you turn yourselves in now, you may escape a Federal charge.

3. Honey I judge a man more by his heart than the size of his rear. It's likely to do you more good.

4. Was there something about me that you particularly missed? Something that I can feel gratified about depriving you all these years?
- I liked the way we danced...

5. Why is your dog wearing glasses?
- Oh, because his insurance won't pay for contacts.

6. What do you want to marry me for anyhow?
- So I can kiss you anytime I want.

7. The game starts now. You have to score one thousand points. If you do that, you take home a tank with a big gun. Each day we will announce the scores from that loudspeaker. The one who has the fewest points will have to wear a sign that says "Jackass" on his back. There are three ways to lose points. One, turning into a big crybaby. Two, telling us you want to see your mommy. Three, saying you're hungry and want something to eat.

8. Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. Though my personal preference was for Lux, I found that Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heavy, but with a touch of mellow smoothness. Life Buoy, on the other hand... YECCHH!

9. Okay. Squirt here will now give you a rundown of proper exiting technique.
- Good afternoon. We're gonna have a great jump today. Okay, first crank a hard cutback as you hit the wall. There's a screaming bottom curve, so watch out. Remember: rip it, roll it, and punch it.
It's like he's trying to speak to me, I know it. Look, you're really cute, but I can't understand what you're saying. Say the first thing again.

10. The first time he saw him, the colt was walking through the fog at five in the morning. Smith would say later that the horse looked right through him. As if to say, "What the hell are you looking at? Who do you think you are?" He was a small horse, barely fifteen hands. He was hurting too. There was a limp in his walk, a wheezing when he breathed. Smith didn't pay attention to that. He was looking the horse in the eye.

11. Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid you don't deserve to be in love.

12. You can't get pregnant from french-kissing!
- I know that, beetle-brain, but it's common knowledge that if you tongue-kiss a boy, he automatically thinks you'll do the deed with him. They can't help it. They're driven.
Oh? And what deed would that be?
- You know... planting the seed and watering the flower. Isn't that how it works?

13. I met Ezekiel Young from Salt Lake city about two years ago and he told me he was single and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner. And then I found out. "Single" he told me. Single, my ass. Not only was he married... oh, no, he had six wives. One of those Mormons, you know. So that night, when he came home, I fixed him his drink as usual. You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic.

14. You know what your problem is? You are afraid to be in love, you are afraid of losing control, And you know what? I think you are afraid of livin' in my big fat shadow.
- Oh really? Is that what my problem is?
Yes.
- My problem is that it's 2 A.M. My problem is I'm asleep. I'm on a tour bus with eight stinkin' men. Rule number one: Don't propose to a girl on a bus, you got that? Rule number two: Don't tell her it's because you had a bad dream.

15. I'm tired of dating silly, immature little boys. I'd like to meet a sophisticated older guy with a special affinity for rabbits.

Goodluck!

If that's love...

...then I want nothing to do with it.

I went this afternoon to go see Definitely Maybe with a friend. Overall it was a cute movie. Guy tells his daughter a story of every relationship he has had, changes the names of all his ex-girlfriends so that the daughter has to guess which one is her mother (who he is currently divorcing). There are funny parts, sad parts, and a generally happy ending.

I liked the movie. I won't lie. But it also made me really sad. Not the typical sad during the sad parts, and then happy and wishful at the end of the movie kind of sadness. It almost left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

Throughout the entire telling of the relationships of the main character, heartbreak was the dominant theme. The guy bought two engagement rings and was turned down both times! His first love slept with his roommate, second love got him fired and can you blame him when he ran away from the third? He got married, had a child, got divorced... Eventually he was reunited with a long time love and it's implied that they live happily ever after.

I have one thought on this movie. If that's love then I want nothing to do with it.

It all started with a chair..

"Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

Things that hurt my heart.

• hearing a friend tell me she's not into 'the Christian thing' anymore
• watching another friend progressively ruin her reputation more and more with each guy she sleeps with
• going to clubs to dance and seeing so many broken people trying to satisfy their inner hunger through alcohol and one night stands
• listening to friends talk about sex like it's something equivalent to a hug between friends
• hearing a friend relay her one and only experience with Christianity to me, where a religious leader stood in front of her and her friends and told them they weren't worthy because of the sin they had committed in their lives.
• watching a friend throw herself at any guy that passes in the hopes that they would acknowledge her and show her she's worthy of someone's love.

Sometimes I wonder how Jesus can stand the pain of watching us screw up our lives so much. If stuff like this breaks my heart...how much more must it break His?

Too much to comprehend

It's nights like this that I wish I were able to sit down and write a blog. But I got nothing. Actually I have too much. Too much random thoughts, worries, stresses, ideas, confusion running through my head at one time.

I can't sort it all out. I can't compartmentalize everything I am thinking and deal with each thought and issue one at a time. Nothing is separate. Each thought, each emotion is interconnected with the next.

So I'm just going to sit here and listen to my ipod and hope that maybe tomorrow will bring a little less confusion and a lot more clarity.

Come undone - Jackson Waters

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBw3BFxcuUw

It's always nice to find a Christian song on a contemporary radio station or as the background music to a TV show. This song is off of One Tree Hill. Other than giving me a mad urge to pull out a piano and work out the chords, this song just seems to touch me inside. It's got a tone of broken-ness, darkness, despair even. But it also seems redemptive in a way.

I don't know. I just like it.

Striving for perfection

I'm tired of trying to be perfect. I'm tired of feeling awful when I make mistakes. I'm tired of obsessing over things that I could have done better. I'm tired of trying to please everyone. I am sick and tired of hiding my imperfections.

I make mistakes. I say stupid things. I'm not perfect. I never will be. And I am so tired of trying.

Reflections on my past 18 years

Sitting here reflecting on the past 18 years of my life, I remember a lot of firsts. The first time I walked to school alone. The first time I was allowed to sleep over at my best friend's house. My first piano recital. The first time I won a medal at a karate tournament. The first boy who told me he loved me...in the middle of the school hallway. The first time I realised that my parents weren't perfect. My first kiss. My first day in middle school, high school, and now college.

I've had quite a few highs, a couple of major lows, and a lot of ordinary good memories. I feel like I'm leaving a stage of my life behind to venture down a new road. I have no idea what it will bring, but I'm excited for God's plans to unfold.

In a perfect world...

• application forms would never have to be done.
• a fresh start would be available every time you screwed up.
• Shoppers drug mart would carry the most amazing and hardest to find menthol chap stick.
• it wouldn't be near impossible to find clean versions of songs.
• random people wouldn't invite themselves to your birthday parties.
• curly hair wouldn't be prone to frizz and poof.
• food wouldn't have expiry dates.
• phones would never exist.
• groups of Christians would be fun to hang out with.
• money would actually grow on trees.
• it would be possible to build and market a Loch Ness Monster.

Love; it's what makes the world go 'round

Amen.

If someone approached me with the question, "Anne, if there was one thing you could tell me about this world what would it be?" My answer would without a doubt be, "This world operates in love."

I strongly believe that love, or a motivation to receive love, is what makes this world the way it is. Everyone, even if they won't admit it, is searching for love in their own way. A prostitute on the street corner selling her body searches for love in the only way she knows how. A straight 'A' student looks for love and acceptance through his/her perfect grades in school. A middle aged business man spends hours working overtime in order to receive a promotion which proves he is worthy of love. Love is the reason that Britney is a drug addict and has two random children. It's the indirect root of Arnold Schwartzenegger's massive muscles. Whether you're willing to admit it or not, love is the backbone of every action committed in this world.

As humans, we build barriers to love. At one time in our lives, every single one of us openly craved love and believed that that internal craving could and would be satisfied. Whether that faith was crushed through parents, a teenage relationship, or a situation beyond our control; I believe that each of us still harbours that craving deep inside. Some of us try and satisfy that craving through possessions, others through physical relationships, and others through chemical substances. Some of us choose to become 'do gooders' and 'perfectionists' in order to recieve momentary satisfaction of that craving through other's respect for our accomplishments. Still others of us become bitter and resentful, proclaiming out-loud that love is merely another decision to be made in life; like choosing between two different coloured shirts. But I bet you anything, if you stripped away the barriers to and against love that we all uniquely possess, each person's soul remains the same...holey.

That hole, that one space that we as humans try so hard to fill with random crap was placed in our hearts for a reason. That inner void is not merely a species specific defect. I don't believe that God is up in the Heavens laughing at the chaos and mayhem he created in this world by leaving a void in our soul. I believe that the gap so prominent in our hearts was placed there by God for a very important reason; so that he could fill it. He created us with a puzzle piece missing that only He would fit.

I believe that too often, we as Christians are caught up in trying to be perfect. 'Show your faith through your actions' is too often equivalent in our minds with perfection. We are so focused on fixing our wrongs, overcoming our sins, that we forget about love. We forget that the world doesn't need perfection, it doesn't need evangelists who proclaim the name of Christ through their perfect deeds. The world needs the same love that we, as Christians recieve through Jesus Christ. What is the perfect offering that we can give back to Jesus, our Saviour, the One who loved us more than His own life? To show that same love to others.

It's all in God's time

Without elaborating too much, I'd like to say that I am slowly realising how much more perfect and significant God's time is than my own. Being a human being, I am extremely impatient. I want things, and I want them now! I despise waiting. I pray and I lose faith when my prayers aren't answered right away.

I've come to realise that God doesn't work in 'right nows'. God works in asaps. As soon as possible. No sooner, no later than His perfect timing. In the past I've chosen to focus on the first part of the phrase rather than the latter section. I expect God to work immediately. I want Him to work in my time rather than His time. As soon as possible. God's promise is like that sentence.

Think of the contrast between our ways and God's ways. We seek the spectacular act of devotion, the quantum leap of faith; God focuses on the seemingly insignificant changes that occur 'little by little'. We are concerned to watch out for number one; God invites us to 'renounce the care of ourselves'. We want to relegate God to the extracurricular category of our lives; God wants our complete attention. We want things done right now; God possesses eternal patience. These are the ways God chooses to work, and as we come into line with God's ways and operate in constancy with His ways, we learn that they are altogether good.
- Richard J. Foster.