All about nothing

Marriage

2009-07-08T21:21:00.000-07:00

What is it with people and marriage lately? I swear that everywhere I look people seem to have their hate on for the topic. I can't count the amount of times I've heard lately, "Marriage ruins your life", "Don't get married, don't have kids, it's a waste of time and money" etc etc etc. Screw off people and leave my happy fantasy alone.

I, Anne Kathleen Suttie, want to get married someday. And likely or not it will be a lot sooner than when you (marriage hater) want me to. I still believe that marriage is love and love leads to joy and although there will indefinitely be hard times, the good times will overshadow the bad ones. I still believe that marriage is a blessing and a sacred union between two people who God has placed together for a purpose. What could be more exciting than that? What could be more exciting than having someone to spend the rest of your life with? Someone to love you until death do you part, someone to share the load and encourage you, someone for you to encourage? I'm not jaded like you people seem to be.

Sure, you say that I can't possibly have a valid opinion as I have never been married before. But I've seen marriages that are proof of everything I have stated above even if yours isn't.

So please, the next time you decide to tell me that marriage is a curse, a joke, and a waste of time, bite your tongue. I don't want to hear it.

Post number 100

2009-06-27T09:27:00.000-07:00

I've decided that at one point in my life I would like to make a hugely rash decision.

Maybe I'll sell all of my worldly possessions and move to Africa to save the children. Maybe I'll quit school, get married, and have 25 kids. Maybe I'll sell my soul to rock and roll. Maybe I'll meet James Bond, throw my morals out the window and live in heavenly sin for the rest of my life. Maybe I'll join a convent and have a chastity belt glued to me for eternity.

Who knows.

But I would like to do something exciting, something that scares me and makes me feel more alive. Something completely unpredictable. Keep them talking, you know.

Stay tuned.

Slowly I've learned

2009-06-25T20:57:00.000-07:00

Slowly I've learned

I've learned that growing up doesn't mean having the maturity to hold a 9-5 job
I've learned that being unique isn't something to be ashamed of
I've learned that really loving someone means accepting them for everything they are

Slowly I am learning

I'm learning that each moment is a precious gift from God and should be treated as such
I'm learning that being apart is a blessing because it shows me my capacity to love
I'm learning that I will never ever never stop learning.

twomonthstwomonthstwomonths

2009-06-08T20:14:00.000-07:00

Two months.
Two months.
Two months.

I count the days at least 200 times a day.
My mantra.

Two months.
Two months.
Two months.
Two months.

I have never missed someone this much in my life.

A different day I would've entertained you

2009-06-01T21:17:00.000-07:00

I had this extensive metaphor the other day about how finding a husband was like bargain shopping. I worked out every little detail in my head and compartmentalized it for a later blogging date.

And now I'm too tired to type it all out. Too bad. You can be assured that it was damn good though.

You bring the cup and I'll bring the moonshine

2009-05-24T21:05:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I like my job or not. It makes me feel lonely. I don't miss camp. I really don't. But I miss having people around who care about me at my work place. I work in an office now and it's so different. The focus is so different. What is number one priority at camp; relationships, is number 10,567 at my work. Number one is performance. Stress from lack of performance leads to drama and drama leads to gossip. It's not abnormal to hear people whispering about other people around my office. It's lame. Lame lame lame and I don't like it. Is this what most offices are like?

On the other side of the mountain, I am enjoying spending the majority of my off time with my family. I'll visit my grandma lots this summer. I'm slowly realizing how important her grandchildren are to her. And my parents continually amaze me. I don't know why. Maybe I've come out of the 'my parents are embarrassing' stage to the 'my parents are quirky but generous and kind people' stage. It's a strange feeling. Life changing, really.

And yet again I have managed to leave my glasses at someone else's house. Someone at Canada Post is making a fortune off of me this summer.

Just sitting here praying

2009-05-05T18:43:00.000-07:00

I never thought that I would wind up sitting on my floor praying for something as silly as cell phone service. But on the floor I am, and that's what I'm doing. My best friend and the love of my life is in Prince George in the bush for the next 3 and a half months and I don't know what to do with myself other than pray for cell phone service so that I can have a blessed phone conversation with him every night. My life feels slightly empty although I've tried as hard as I can to incorporate him into my every day experience. I have three of his shirts in my closet in a pile so that I can wear them when I need a snuggle, I have pictures of us up all over my room, and I've already started accumulating things for care parcels. However there still remains a lump in my throat the size of the Hoover Dam and there aren't enough chores in the world to keep me occupied through a summer of free time.

'Distance makes the heart grow stronger'. 'You'll appreciate each other more when you've had some time off'. From this point on I solemnly swear to never use these sentences in a serious situation again.

Ugghh

2009-04-13T17:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I had not a compassionate bone in my body. It would make being mad a lot easier.

Taken

2009-04-11T21:19:00.001-07:00

Josh and I went out to watch the movie Taken tonight. Basically the premise behind the movie is that a man's daughter goes traveling to Paris with a friend and is kidnapped by an Albanian mob group to be sold into the sex trade. Luckily for her, her father is somewhat of a James Bond type and does anything (and everything) possible to hunt her down and kill her captors. Aside from the necessary steep death toll and convenient invincibility of the main character required in North American produced action movie, the film was really good. I know that because there are several things that have resonated with me.

Number one. If this movie were a little less thriller and a little less...movie..it would be a great sermon. Daughter refuses the advise of her father, makes a stupid move, gets in trouble, and father does everything he can to get her back. Remind you of another such story? There was this one section in the movie that I love. The father had just seen his daughter stripped down in a bidding room getting sold to eligible sex owners. He made a silly move and got caught by the head of the group in charge of selling her. He manages to kill everyone in the room and comes face to face with the head dude, shoots him twice in his extremities, and as he is getting ready to shoot the last bullet into his heart the man in charge says, "Please understand, it was all business. It wasn't personal." Father looks back at the dude and says, in a very James Bondesque fashion, "It was all personal to me." Think about it. I'm sure you can connect the dots in this section so I'm going to move to the next.

Number two. Holy. wow. I've been wearing a blindfold for the past 20 years of my life and someone just ripped it off. Tell me that this world is an awful place and I will agree. Tell me that bad things happen to good people everyday and I will agree again. Tell me that I am incredibly lucky to live in the country that I live in and your reply will be a resounding yes. Yet I watched this movie tonight and I feel as though a new dimension has been added to each of my responses to the above questions. I just don't understand how things like this can happen in our world where the worst person that I personally know is someone who has cheated on an exam 25 years ago. I want to know that there is a hope for people who have been trafficked. Men who are sold into work in sweat shops, women who are sold into the sex trade, children who have been forced to become child soldiers. Is there a hope? I'd like to think so. Heck, I'd like to step out of my comfortable little world where the worst thing I've had lately is no milk for my morning tea to help create hope. Want to join me?

Plants

2009-04-04T12:49:00.001-07:00

I think my love bamboo is dying. I've been feeding him responsibly, he's sitting on a comfortable ledge, and he has sunlight and a nice view in front of him. Maybe I need to start reading to him.

I'm going to make a garden this summer with sweet peas, carrots, onions, garlic, flowers, etc. I'm going to grow those plants like they're my children and then I'm going to make yummy food from them that will taste so good because they've been grown through my efforts and love. Maybe I'll sing to them too.

I bought biodegradable earth friendly laundry detergent yesterday and it brought me great joy and excitement. I might have a mini garden in my house next year on a windowsill.

I think I'm turning into a hippy.

Baby steps and proclaiming hallelujah on high

2009-03-22T22:19:00.000-07:00

I've discovered something about myself lately. I don't generally want God to do great things in my life. Of course I don't actually consciously pray to God to make my life miserable. But subconsciously I don't 100 percent believe that my life is great enough for Him to work in. And consequently I have chosen to refuse blessings or refuse to acknowledge blessings in my life as a form of punishment to myself. Punishment for not being perfect, worthy, for not trying enough.

I don't know why I never realized this before. Maybe God chose this opportune time in my life to show me that He has great plans for me if I would only believe that I am worthy enough of what He has to give. Or maybe I just refused to open the doors of my heart to this realization until now.

Either way, I want it. I want those great things so bad. And if admitting it is the first step, I am very excited to take the next!

25 by 25

2009-03-17T20:47:00.000-07:00

25 things I would like to do by the ripe age of 25.. (God willing and not necessarily in this order).

1. Graduate!
2. Spend 6 months or longer on a missions trip in Africa.
3. Get married to the love of my life :).
4. Start the adoption process for a precious little black blessing from God.
5. Adopt a German Sheppard and name him Mogley. Mogey bear for short.
6. Become a dancer extraordinaire.
7. Spend a summer living on a boat.
8. Buy a car and name it Madre. Like Tomater but without the 'te'.
9. Learn to speak espagnol.
10. Enjoy school even though it feels like the bane of existence.
11. Grow my own garden with peas and carrots and sunflowers.
12. Get involved in a church after school doing small groups.
13. Obtain a job that I really enjoy and that makes me feel like I am contributing to people who are worse off than I am.
14. Delete my facebook account.
15. Learn how to alter clothing to create new looks.
16. Go to Venice, Italy and ride in one of those boats with a boatman who sings 'That's Amore!' with the love of my life.
17. Use all organic product for at least a year consecutively.
18. Stand on a surf board.
19. Backpack around South America.
20. Go to Greece.
21. See Hillsong in concert.
22. Foster kittens for the SPCA or Animal Pound.
23. Make a book list and read everything on it.
24. Either come out of University with no debt or pay it off the summer after graduating.
25. Rent a beach cabin on the Ocean in a warm country for a while and live the life of a beach bum.

Ahhh so refreshing.

A small lesson

2009-03-10T07:54:00.001-07:00

A little lesson I've learned lately and recently put into words.

Do not resent the imperfect in others, rather rejoice in it. For it is through this imperfection that God allows you to see how truly great He is.

-Ak.

I love you.

2009-03-04T09:30:00.000-08:00

Love. love. love. love. love. love.
love. love. love. love. love.
love. love. love. love.
love. love. love.
love. love.
love.
me?

Reasons why I should live in the tropics.

2009-02-09T12:11:00.000-08:00

1.) I am more environmentally friendly.
For some reason, once the sun starts to shine in the early spring and beginning of the summer I find that I switch all of my products from random spa essentials to Alba botanicals. (Alba botanicals is a brand of product that is all natural, 'committed to the environment - or so they say, and tropical themed). I also find myself wanting to bike or walk places rather than drive.

2.) I am healthier in body.
I find that there is a direct correlation between what I let into my body and the amount of sun that is shining. On gross, rainy days, I eat my pain away with chocolate and foods that are slightly higher on the fat factor scale. On sunny days I drink green tea, eat more than my quota of fruits and vegs, and lots of salad. I don't know why, but I crave healthy foods. I also like to get out and be active in the summer which equals a nicer bikini body!

3.) I am healthier in spirit.
I am more motivated, more dreamy, and more relaxed when the sun is shining. Summer and sun equals a happy Anne. Amen.

I.can.not.wait.

2009-01-28T13:00:00.001-08:00

This summer will be my first 'independent' summer since I was in grade 9 (if you could call grade 9 independent). I am overwhelmingly excited. I have the privilege of being able to move back in with my parents, in a beautiful city that comes alive with sunshine and opportunities during the months of May to August. I get to pursue a job that will hopefully challenge my skills and advance me along my education. I get to pursue things that I am passionate about like dance during my free time. I've already found the best dance studio ever to train at during the summer and I am so excited.
I.can.not.wait.

It's learning time, kids!

2009-01-13T10:44:00.000-08:00

Did you know...

Air pollution is a global problem. Although Greenland has about half the population of Nanaimo atmospheric pollution is still found there. (Due to air currents.)

We DO have a problem.

80-90% of energy in developed countries comes from fossil fuels. Due to rising populations and depleting resources, it is likely that these resources WILL be used up within the next 50 years UNLESS we do something about it. I've heard from so many people, "I'm a Christian. I have a passion for Jesus, I'm not willing to have a passion for anything else including environmental issues." I don't get that. If you have a passion for Jesus you should have a passion for His people. If you have a passion for His people you should be doing your best to live a lifestyle so that His people will have a future on this planet. If you aren't Christian and you don't care about other people, think about your kids and your grandkids. Do you really want to leave them with the problem of fixing the enormous problem that we (and past generations) have created? Think about it.

Spread thin

2008-11-28T21:49:00.000-08:00

I'm tired. Exhausted to be precise. And I'm frustrated. Maybe it's just that stereotypical point in the semester where everyone is frazzled to the core, but right now I am extremely burned out and I don't think it has to be this way.

I'm involved in a lot. I have a full course load in school, I volunteer anywhere from 5-10 hours per week as a leader for the University Christian Ministries club on campus, I have relationships with many friends, a boyfriend, and I take a couple of extracurricular activities on the side. I'm busy and I generally enjoy what I do. But I find that by the end of the semester I have poured so much of myself into all of my activities that there is nothing left to sustain myself with. I'm exhausted. I feel unappreciated, and it affects everything that I do. It affects my relationship with myself, my friends, and most of all God.

I feel pressure all of the time to do well in everything that I am involved in. I work hard to excel in my school work. I pour my time and effort into relationships with friends and with students both at UCM and in my core groups. I work hard to be blameless and accountable to everyone in my life that I might be a witness to others. But when all this is done, what is left for me? And especially, what is left for God?

I'm so tired. I don't know how to cope at the end of the semester. I feel pressure from everyone around me to turn to God, acknowledge that I need him, lay my crap down at the cross, and walk away knowing that He loves me and is always with me. So simple a concept, yet so hard to do.

I feel judged for the fact that I am hesitant to let God fill me up. I feel judged that I have allowed myself to hit rock bottom. I feel judged for not being passionate about God because I'm not passionate about His people.

Oh how I look forward to Christmas break.

Love lead me

2008-11-16T09:12:00.000-08:00

I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn’t resolve. But I was outside the Baghdad Theatre one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes and he never opened his eyes.
After that I liked jazz music.
Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.

Blue like Jazz - Donald Miller

My early Christmas list..

2008-10-24T15:02:00.000-07:00

I know that October isn't over, Halloween hasn't sprung with it's skeletons and candy-overload, the first snowfall hasn't snuck up, and midterm exams aren't over, BUT I'm already writing my Christmas list. However this year's list is quite a lot different than years past. For one, it's not possible to buy anything on this list. And for two, you'd probably be putting God out of a job if you could wrap any of these things up to put under my Christmas tree.

So here is my list of everything I want for Christmas this year.

1.) My roommate's will to break and her to find Jesus in the midst of her brokenness. And for ups to stay up and downs to disappear.

2.) For my parents to still live in Kelowna, yet miraculously be only 15 minutes away from my apartment when I want to see them.

3.) For Kittens and puppies and all medium to large animals of this world to get the love that they deserve. And for them not to get abandoned on the sides of roads and flushed down toilets.

4.) Hillsong to come to Nanaimo.

5.) And world peace. Obviously.

Oh love

2008-05-07T10:57:00.000-07:00

Strong like a mother holds her child
Free as horses runnin wild
And real as a prayer on a lonely night
And sure as the ocean tide.

Oh love, oh love
All the many colors that you’re made of
You heal, you bleed
You’re the simple truth and you’re the biggest mystery
Oh love, oh love.

Deep as the life from God’s own breath
Endless even after death
Gone like the sunset.

You can break a heart in pieces
Put it back together again.
You can break down sweet forgiveness
You’re the one that never ends.

Oh love, oh love
All the many colors that you’re made of
You heal, you bleed
You’re the simple truth and you’re the biggest mystery
Oh love, oh love.

Uniquities

2008-04-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

I have three best friends. They all live further than 2 hours away from me and none of them know each other.
When I was born, my grandpa was dying from lung cancer. We would visit him in the hospital; which is consequently where I learned to walk, and I would cuddle with him on his lap. I was his 'angel sent from heaven to replace him.'
I have 2 brothers and 4 sisters. None of them are biological. (I also have 3 other mothers.)
My mother dropped me on my head when I was a baby.
I have eight piercings and only 5 are immediately visible.
I love cowboys and I think that a flannel button up shirt, nice fitting jeans and a cowboy hat are the sexiest things in the world.
My family thought I was going to be a veterinarian when I was little because other than snakes, I have never found an animal I didn't love.

John 17: 13-16

2008-04-10T13:35:00.000-07:00

"I could say," her mother went on, "that living among the hakujin has tainted you, made your soul impure, Hatsue. This lack of purity envelopes you- I see it everyday. You carry it with you always. It is like a mist surrounding your soul, and it haunts your face like a shadow at moments when you do not protect it well. I see it in your eagerness to leave here and walk in the woods in the afternoon. I cannot translate all of this easily, excepts as the impurity that comes with living each day among the white people. I am not asking you to shun them entirely- this you should not do. You must live in this world, of course you must, and this world is the world of the hakujin - you must learn to live in it, you must go to school. But don't allow living among the hakujin to become living intertwined with them. Your soul will decay. Something fundamental will rot and go sour. You are eighteen, you are grown now- I can't walk with you where you are going anymore. You walk alone soon, Hatsue. I hope you will carry your purity with you always and remember the truth of who you are."

- Snow falling on cedars.

The difference between 18 and 19

2008-04-08T21:05:00.000-07:00

There's a whole lot more than one number inbetween 18 and 19...

I enjoy it when my daddy calls me kiddo and my mommy calls me pumpkin. I'm proud to refer to my parents as 'daddy' and 'mommy'. Not everyone had as good of parents as I did, and I'm starting to realize that.
My legs no longer bend quite as easily and in quite the angle that they used to.
I have joined the four-eyed species.
A boyfriend changed from an accessory to a life-time commitment.

And the biggest thing:

My little sister and I were watching Harry Potter the other day and this is how the conversation went.

Annie- "Ron is really cute. He might have to retire soon though, he's getting old, like you!"

Wanted: A snuggle buddy

2008-03-07T00:04:00.000-08:00

General job duties:

this employee will take over the position of the recently deceased; Mr. Teddy
during work hours, this employee will provide comfort, warmth, and cute phrases to the benefit of the employer (me)
overtime is required and the employee chosen will constantly be on-call
must provide good movies, fun and serious conversation and a plethora of original romantic/cute lines

Requirements:

must be of the male variety
experience is not necessary, although a general knowledge in the physics of spooning would be preferable
a sense of humour is required for duties related to snuggling-on-the-couch-during-movies
subjects with skills in the areas of sweet-talking, hand kissing, and general cuteness will be preferable
a love of my friends is required and subjects being considered must not become overly attached to the point of clinginess

Please note:

subjects with excess hair, body odour, or strange noise-making habits will not make it past the screening process
subjects with tendencies to smoke, fart, belch, say rude things, and comment on the attractiveness of other girls will not make it to the screening process

Untitled

2008-03-03T22:13:00.000-08:00

Music tells a lot about someone. It's like a gateway into a person's soul. Anything can be said in words, but music tells so much more. It shows how that person is feeling at that exact moment in time.

I like learning about people through their favourite songs. It tells me a lot about who they really are. It shows me what they crave, what they value... It gives me a little piece of their unique soul.

My favourite alltime songs are:

Name - Goo goo dolls

and

Somewhere in between - Lifehouse.

What are yours?

It's just funny

2008-02-26T20:47:00.000-08:00

It's funny that as you grow up the things you used to find stuffy and boring suddenly become enticing.
Like bubble baths in the middle of the day...
...and Amanda Marshall songs

And driving past a specific road sign brings back memories you forgot you had made.
Like fluffy blue cloud shapes...
...and laundry chutes

And the food that made you puke as a kid becomes something you can't get enough of.
Like avacadoes...
...and sun-dried tomato salmon

And dreams that seemed so down-to-earth and old fashioned become something you crave.
Like life insurance...
...and someone to count on til death do you part.

The more I drink, the more I drink

2008-02-24T22:42:00.000-08:00

"You see every drink of liquor you take kills a thousand brain cells. Now that doesn't much matter 'cos we got billions more. And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big. And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all. That'ok, that's ok because the stupid cells go next, so everything you say is real smart. And finally, come the memory cells. These are tough sons of bitches to kill."

Stolen from Jan!

2008-02-21T20:38:00.000-08:00

1. Pick 15 of your favourite movies.

2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.

3. Post them here for everyone to guess.

4. Fill in the film title once it's guessed.

5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions.

1. That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd run to the end of town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd just run across Greenbow County. And I figured, since I run this far, maybe I'd just run across the great state of Alabama. And that's what I did. I ran clear across Alabama. For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going.

2. We have pictures of you so-called mooners. And just because the pictures aren't of your faces doesn't mean we can't identify you. At this very moment those pictures are on their way to Washington where the FBI has experts in this type of identification. If you turn yourselves in now, you may escape a Federal charge.

3. Honey I judge a man more by his heart than the size of his rear. It's likely to do you more good.

4. Was there something about me that you particularly missed? Something that I can feel gratified about depriving you all these years?
- I liked the way we danced...

5. Why is your dog wearing glasses?
- Oh, because his insurance won't pay for contacts.

6. What do you want to marry me for anyhow?
- So I can kiss you anytime I want.

7. The game starts now. You have to score one thousand points. If you do that, you take home a tank with a big gun. Each day we will announce the scores from that loudspeaker. The one who has the fewest points will have to wear a sign that says "Jackass" on his back. There are three ways to lose points. One, turning into a big crybaby. Two, telling us you want to see your mommy. Three, saying you're hungry and want something to eat.

8. Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. Though my personal preference was for Lux, I found that Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heavy, but with a touch of mellow smoothness. Life Buoy, on the other hand... YECCHH!

9. Okay. Squirt here will now give you a rundown of proper exiting technique.
- Good afternoon. We're gonna have a great jump today. Okay, first crank a hard cutback as you hit the wall. There's a screaming bottom curve, so watch out. Remember: rip it, roll it, and punch it.
It's like he's trying to speak to me, I know it. Look, you're really cute, but I can't understand what you're saying. Say the first thing again.

10. The first time he saw him, the colt was walking through the fog at five in the morning. Smith would say later that the horse looked right through him. As if to say, "What the hell are you looking at? Who do you think you are?" He was a small horse, barely fifteen hands. He was hurting too. There was a limp in his walk, a wheezing when he breathed. Smith didn't pay attention to that. He was looking the horse in the eye.

11. Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid you don't deserve to be in love.

12. You can't get pregnant from french-kissing!
- I know that, beetle-brain, but it's common knowledge that if you tongue-kiss a boy, he automatically thinks you'll do the deed with him. They can't help it. They're driven.
Oh? And what deed would that be?
- You know... planting the seed and watering the flower. Isn't that how it works?

13. I met Ezekiel Young from Salt Lake city about two years ago and he told me he was single and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner. And then I found out. "Single" he told me. Single, my ass. Not only was he married... oh, no, he had six wives. One of those Mormons, you know. So that night, when he came home, I fixed him his drink as usual. You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic.

14. You know what your problem is? You are afraid to be in love, you are afraid of losing control, And you know what? I think you are afraid of livin' in my big fat shadow.
- Oh really? Is that what my problem is?
Yes.
- My problem is that it's 2 A.M. My problem is I'm asleep. I'm on a tour bus with eight stinkin' men. Rule number one: Don't propose to a girl on a bus, you got that? Rule number two: Don't tell her it's because you had a bad dream.

15. I'm tired of dating silly, immature little boys. I'd like to meet a sophisticated older guy with a special affinity for rabbits.

Goodluck!

If that's love...

2008-02-15T20:10:00.000-08:00

...then I want nothing to do with it.

I went this afternoon to go see Definitely Maybe with a friend. Overall it was a cute movie. Guy tells his daughter a story of every relationship he has had, changes the names of all his ex-girlfriends so that the daughter has to guess which one is her mother (who he is currently divorcing). There are funny parts, sad parts, and a generally happy ending.

I liked the movie. I won't lie. But it also made me really sad. Not the typical sad during the sad parts, and then happy and wishful at the end of the movie kind of sadness. It almost left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

Throughout the entire telling of the relationships of the main character, heartbreak was the dominant theme. The guy bought two engagement rings and was turned down both times! His first love slept with his roommate, second love got him fired and can you blame him when he ran away from the third? He got married, had a child, got divorced... Eventually he was reunited with a long time love and it's implied that they live happily ever after.

I have one thought on this movie. If that's love then I want nothing to do with it.

It all started with a chair..

2008-02-12T10:14:00.000-08:00

"Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

Things that hurt my heart.

2008-02-10T21:06:00.001-08:00

hearing a friend tell me she's not into 'the Christian thing' anymore
watching another friend progressively ruin her reputation more and more with each guy she sleeps with
going to clubs to dance and seeing so many broken people trying to satisfy their inner hunger through alcohol and one night stands
listening to friends talk about sex like it's something equivalent to a hug between friends
hearing a friend relay her one and only experience with Christianity to me, where a religious leader stood in front of her and her friends and told them they weren't worthy because of the sin they had committed in their lives.
watching a friend throw herself at any guy that passes in the hopes that they would acknowledge her and show her she's worthy of someone's love.

Sometimes I wonder how Jesus can stand the pain of watching us screw up our lives so much. If stuff like this breaks my heart...how much more must it break His?

Too much to comprehend

2008-02-05T21:01:00.000-08:00

It's nights like this that I wish I were able to sit down and write a blog. But I got nothing. Actually I have too much. Too much random thoughts, worries, stresses, ideas, confusion running through my head at one time.

I can't sort it all out. I can't compartmentalize everything I am thinking and deal with each thought and issue one at a time. Nothing is separate. Each thought, each emotion is interconnected with the next.

So I'm just going to sit here and listen to my ipod and hope that maybe tomorrow will bring a little less confusion and a lot more clarity.

Come undone - Jackson Waters

2008-01-31T09:34:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBw3BFxcuUw

It's always nice to find a Christian song on a contemporary radio station or as the background music to a TV show. This song is off of One Tree Hill. Other than giving me a mad urge to pull out a piano and work out the chords, this song just seems to touch me inside. It's got a tone of broken-ness, darkness, despair even. But it also seems redemptive in a way.

I don't know. I just like it.

Striving for perfection

2008-01-25T14:28:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of trying to be perfect. I'm tired of feeling awful when I make mistakes. I'm tired of obsessing over things that I could have done better. I'm tired of trying to please everyone. I am sick and tired of hiding my imperfections.

I make mistakes. I say stupid things. I'm not perfect. I never will be. And I am so tired of trying.

Reflections on my past 18 years

2008-01-21T17:23:00.000-08:00

Sitting here reflecting on the past 18 years of my life, I remember a lot of firsts. The first time I walked to school alone. The first time I was allowed to sleep over at my best friend's house. My first piano recital. The first time I won a medal at a karate tournament. The first boy who told me he loved me...in the middle of the school hallway. The first time I realised that my parents weren't perfect. My first kiss. My first day in middle school, high school, and now college.

I've had quite a few highs, a couple of major lows, and a lot of ordinary good memories. I feel like I'm leaving a stage of my life behind to venture down a new road. I have no idea what it will bring, but I'm excited for God's plans to unfold.

In a perfect world...

2008-01-19T13:47:00.001-08:00

application forms would never have to be done.
a fresh start would be available every time you screwed up.
Shoppers drug mart would carry the most amazing and hardest to find menthol chap stick.
it wouldn't be near impossible to find clean versions of songs.
random people wouldn't invite themselves to your birthday parties.
curly hair wouldn't be prone to frizz and poof.
food wouldn't have expiry dates.
phones would never exist.
groups of Christians would be fun to hang out with.
money would actually grow on trees.
it would be possible to build and market a Loch Ness Monster.

Love; it's what makes the world go 'round

2008-01-09T18:09:00.000-08:00

Amen.

If someone approached me with the question, "Anne, if there was one thing you could tell me about this world what would it be?" My answer would without a doubt be, "This world operates in love."

I strongly believe that love, or a motivation to receive love, is what makes this world the way it is. Everyone, even if they won't admit it, is searching for love in their own way. A prostitute on the street corner selling her body searches for love in the only way she knows how. A straight 'A' student looks for love and acceptance through his/her perfect grades in school. A middle aged business man spends hours working overtime in order to receive a promotion which proves he is worthy of love. Love is the reason that Britney is a drug addict and has two random children. It's the indirect root of Arnold Schwartzenegger's massive muscles. Whether you're willing to admit it or not, love is the backbone of every action committed in this world.

As humans, we build barriers to love. At one time in our lives, every single one of us openly craved love and believed that that internal craving could and would be satisfied. Whether that faith was crushed through parents, a teenage relationship, or a situation beyond our control; I believe that each of us still harbours that craving deep inside. Some of us try and satisfy that craving through possessions, others through physical relationships, and others through chemical substances. Some of us choose to become 'do gooders' and 'perfectionists' in order to recieve momentary satisfaction of that craving through other's respect for our accomplishments. Still others of us become bitter and resentful, proclaiming out-loud that love is merely another decision to be made in life; like choosing between two different coloured shirts. But I bet you anything, if you stripped away the barriers to and against love that we all uniquely possess, each person's soul remains the same...holey.

That hole, that one space that we as humans try so hard to fill with random crap was placed in our hearts for a reason. That inner void is not merely a species specific defect. I don't believe that God is up in the Heavens laughing at the chaos and mayhem he created in this world by leaving a void in our soul. I believe that the gap so prominent in our hearts was placed there by God for a very important reason; so that he could fill it. He created us with a puzzle piece missing that only He would fit.

I believe that too often, we as Christians are caught up in trying to be perfect. 'Show your faith through your actions' is too often equivalent in our minds with perfection. We are so focused on fixing our wrongs, overcoming our sins, that we forget about love. We forget that the world doesn't need perfection, it doesn't need evangelists who proclaim the name of Christ through their perfect deeds. The world needs the same love that we, as Christians recieve through Jesus Christ. What is the perfect offering that we can give back to Jesus, our Saviour, the One who loved us more than His own life? To show that same love to others.

It's all in God's time

2008-01-07T18:04:00.000-08:00

Without elaborating too much, I'd like to say that I am slowly realising how much more perfect and significant God's time is than my own. Being a human being, I am extremely impatient. I want things, and I want them now! I despise waiting. I pray and I lose faith when my prayers aren't answered right away.

I've come to realise that God doesn't work in 'right nows'. God works in asaps. As soon as possible. No sooner, no later than His perfect timing. In the past I've chosen to focus on the first part of the phrase rather than the latter section. I expect God to work immediately. I want Him to work in my time rather than His time. As soon as possible. God's promise is like that sentence.

Think of the contrast between our ways and God's ways. We seek the spectacular act of devotion, the quantum leap of faith; God focuses on the seemingly insignificant changes that occur 'little by little'. We are concerned to watch out for number one; God invites us to 'renounce the care of ourselves'. We want to relegate God to the extracurricular category of our lives; God wants our complete attention. We want things done right now; God possesses eternal patience. These are the ways God chooses to work, and as we come into line with God's ways and operate in constancy with His ways, we learn that they are altogether good.
- Richard J. Foster.

Stuck in the middle

2007-12-18T10:14:00.001-08:00

I'm having conflicting emotions. I don't really know where to call 'home'. My parents live in Kelowna and I have a lot of friends there including my best friend of the past 12 years. I still have a job in Kelowna even though I haven't lived there for the past 6 months. Basically I have a life there that I can pick up anytime I want.

But I also have a life on the island, specifically in Naniamo. I have a ton of friends there that I love. I have a job, and I'm in a school program that I enjoy. Camp is less than an hour away and I can see the ocean out of my window in my room. I love the island.

So where is my home? I have roots in Kelowna, and a future in Nanaimo. I have friends in both places, and family all over the country.

I guess for now I'll just keep doing what I do. 'Home' is whichever place I'm not at.

Just listen

2007-12-13T18:09:00.000-08:00

If I tell you something, would you please just listen to what I have to say?

Please don't judge or stereotype what I am telling you. I'm sure that your friend so-and-so couldn't have gone through the exact same situation and felt exactly the same as I do about it.

Please don't try and solve my problems. If I wanted to know what you would do in my situation, I'd ask you.

Please don't interupt me to tell me lengthy analogies of situations that you have gone through that somehow relate to what I'm telling you. I don't like feeling vulnerable so it probably took me a lot of courage to tell you what I'm thinking and feeling. Interrupting me to tell stories of how you think I am feeling doesn't help.

If I tell you something, would you please just listen to what I have to say?

My feelings, or lack-thereof

2007-12-07T22:56:00.000-08:00

I've realized this past couple of months or so that I'm a bottler-upper. I have a hard time telling people the emotions that I am experiencing or even how I feel about things that are going on in my life. Sure, I can relay straight up facts and tell a good story about them, but I have a hard time including any emotions other than frustration into my stories.

So at an attempt to work on this issue I've uncovered about myself and to hopefully sleep better at night, I am going to list 5 facts that are bothering me right now and 5 emotions to go with them.

1.) I'm irritated and slightly sad that the only reason the guy across the hall from me was paying special attention to me during a movie the other night was because he's trying to 'get in every hot girl's pants' on my floor. I guess you could say that I feel slightly let down. I had hopes that he was just trying to be friendly with no ulterior motives. I guess not.

2.) I'm excited but nervous about going home. I'm afraid that when I get there all of my old friends will have moved on, grown up, and changed so much that I won't even be able to relate to them anymore. I'm scared that I won't have anything in common with them and that my holiday will suck. But at the same time, I'm so excited to go home and see my family. I'm so excited to be able to see my mom and dad face to face. I can't wait to spend time with them.

3.) I'm lonely. I feel like there are people all around me, but none at the same time. I miss actually talking to people about things that matter. I've talked to so many people lately. But I feel like I haven't really talked to anyone in forever. Maybe it's just me.

4.) I'm sad. I'm sad that a lot of my friends are out partying tonight and that at 2 am I am guaranteed at least one drunk text or phone call. It makes me sad that this is the way they choose to have fun. And it makes me sad that they don't even remember it the next morning.

Alright, although I said I would make a list of 5...I can't. I can't think of any other emotions that I am willing to write down on a public blog. But at least 4 is a step in the right direction.

Some more things about me you probably don't know..

2007-11-30T14:14:00.000-08:00

anything artifically cherry flavoured makes me want to hurl

although I am a lifeguard, and am at the pool on average two times a week to swim, I still have never been off the tallest diving board

when I was 16 I went to Cuba and bought a cigar to smoke on my 19th birthday. It's still sitting on my dresser waiting for me.

I am trying to lose weight, not because I think I'm fat, but because I want to be healthier and look better.

On average two nights a week from when I was 4-12, I would have recurring half-asleep, nightmares in which an evil voice would relay all of my thoughts in my head. It was sometimes accompanied by a nightmare of random dots and lines chasing each other. Every time I had the nightmare I would wake up screaming. The nightmare went away, but I still get the evil voice in my head once or twice a year when I am extremely tired and drifting off to sleep.

I've experienced the chemically charged, 'sweep her off her feet', head in the clouds, kind of love only once in my life.

Tag, it's my turn

2007-11-25T10:25:00.000-08:00

Alright, so I got tagged by Jan in a wierd 'pass on the blog topic' game. The point is to find a word for each letter out of my middle name that relates to me and then explain it. Then when I finish I'm supposed to tag a certain amount of people and tell them to 'play the game' too. But I don't feel like tagging people so if you see this post and want to copy it...be my guest.

Here goes nothing...Oh and PS my middle name is Kathleen if you can't figure it out.

K...

Karate

I took karate for 8 years from when I was 8 until I was 16. I think that my dad despised the idea of raising a 'girly girl', so instead of pirouetteing around a dance floor, I kicked and punched my way through grade school. Like any elite sport, as the years progressed, karate slowly took over my life. Instead of spending time on the weekends hanging out with my friends or watching movies, I would be training. I was at the dojo at least 3 weekday nights all night long, and my weekends always consisted of one type of training camp or another. I can't say I didn't love it. I did. Karate was my life. I eventually quit because it took over my life, but occassionally I miss it. It's not that I miss the actual sport, I just miss the feeling it gave me. I was good at it, and it made me feel good to be better than 99 percent of other people at something. I don't feel that way about most things anymore.

A...

Accoustic

I love accoustic songs. I love accoustic guitars. I love people who play accoustic guitars and accoustic songs. Period. If accoustic were a genre like pop, rock, or opera, my life would be complete.

T...

Toilets

I have horrible luck with toilets. One day during grade 10 I was running late for school and I couldn't find my deodorant. So I went into my parent's ensuite to borrow my mothers. Now there is something you must know about the arrangement of my parent's ensuite to fully understand this story. The toilet in their bathroom is directly below a large cabinet. This is where my parents keep things such as medicine, soap, shaving cream, and...deodorant. So I opened said cupboard in order to get my mom's deodorant and upon opening the cupboard, knocked down a pile of stuff. And of course my father, the primary user of this bathroom, never shuts the toilet lid. And he also never flushes the toilet. So long story short, my mother's deodorant fell into the nasty toilet. And I was in such a hurry that I decided gloves were not an option, and I flushed the toilet. My reasoning was that the gross stuff would be flushed and the deodorant would be too big to fit down the tunnel, so it would stay. And voila! clean toilet in which I could reach my hand down to grab the deodorant from. Not so much. The deodorant flushed half way down the tunnel and got stuck. So I explained the situation to my dad, and seeing as he is Mr. Handiman, he decided that we would have a father-daughter-toilet bonding session. Which basically ended up being him and I shaking and plunging a toilet in the middle of the front yard.

Moral of the story...hire a plumber, or don't wear deodorant.

H...

How I met your mother

I do realise that How I met your mother is just a TV show...but I couldn't think of anything to put under H. So there. This show is addicting. I don't know what it is about it, but I could honestly spend hours watching it. This is my new sick day rerun-watching show. Here is a random quote by Ted that I liked out of the last episode I watched from season 2.

"I think for the most part, if you're really honest with yourself about what you want out of life...life gives it to you."

L...

Love

Obviously L goes with Love. Love (or lack of it) is pretty much the driving force behind everything.
So here's a list of things that I love.
I love...the ocean and the feeling I get when I stand next to it.
I love...driving at night and listening to music.
I love...muscle fatigue.
I love...feeling understood, and at the same time, understanding.
I love...puddle jumping.
I love...feeling loved.

E...

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

I like this passage because whenever I read it, it gives me a little bit of a reality check. When I feel like I hate being a university student and I can't wait to grow up and move on to the next chapter of life...I read this passage and realise that that time will come and that I should be content with where I am right now because I will never be 18 years, 11 months and 4 days old again.

E...

Enormous teddy bear

Basically all you have to know is that if you ever want to make me super super super happy, or for some freak reason I have decided I hate you and you want to get into my good books...buy me a life sized teddy bear.

N...

Nicknames

I have a million nicknames.
Annie, Anna, Anatha, Anica, Anifer, Anaconda, Anchovies, Anthrax, Anne of Green Gables, Six Pack, Sprout, Gromet, Squirt, Mable, Goldfish, Annipoo
Etc etc.

The end.

Things I miss about home

2007-11-21T19:30:00.000-08:00

having a car to drive when I want to go somewhere
my church, as much as I like church in Nanaimo, it doesn't compare to my church family at home
having mother-daughter-chats on the kitchen counter
having a TV and couches rather than a laptop and bed to watch movies on
having a fully stocked fridge that I didn't have to grocery shop for
being able to call up my best friend Kim, with the strangest ideas ever, and then doing them
the snow at Christmas
my comfy bed
driving my cat crazy
going on 'dates' with my dad
baking with my mother, which inevitably turns into an argument, and then eventually both of us rolling on the floor laughing
dropping Kim off from a young adults church function and spending hours parked in her driveway just talking
having food fights and cheesecake eating competitions at work

Abandon ship!

2007-11-14T22:55:00.000-08:00

I'm irritated. I'm irritated at people who have a relationship with Jesus Christ as their personal saviour and then turn around and deny their time and energy to another christian. I'm irritated at 'spiritual leaders' who are all talk. They preach about how to stay away from sin, but when a fellow christian has fallen, they are the first to walk out of their lives.

I think this blog is mostly pointed at people my age or a little bit older. I find that a lot of them are so absorbed with themselves, that they forget to take the time to help others. Sure, they find time to proclaim that drinking, drugs, sex and partying are completely wrong, but when a friend stumbles on one of the above, where are these people? They're long gone. And they're using their time and energy to gossip about the person who has stumbled, rather than actually do something to improve the situation.

I wonder, what gives them the right to lecture people, and then completely walk out on them? To go back to the old cliche, What Would Jesus Do, do you really think that Jesus would preach at someone, and then completely ditch them once they had stumbled? I beg to differ. Jesus would be walking right next to that person supporting them through their trials. So how can they justify walking out on someone in a hard time in their walk with God?

I admit, this is a bit personal for me right now. I have a friend who has strayed from her walk with God, and I have other friends who talk about her and her problems all the time yet neglect to do anything to help her. It makes me mad to hear them talk about the actions she has taken and the mistakes she has made and then at the same time see them walk out on her. It makes me mad to talk to her and realise that she is intimidated by these 'friends' because she believes them to be better than her, stronger than her, more Godly than she is. It makes me mad to see that by choosing to ignore my friend's situation, they are effectively driving her deeper along the wrong path. It just makes me mad...

Two-by-fours and other hard objects

2007-11-12T23:33:00.001-08:00

I always pray that God would metaphorically whack me over the head with a two-by-four to show me things that He wants me to do, or wants for my life. I'm feeling very punch drunk tonight.

It has become very evident that I have, not intentionally, been avoiding relationships in my life. Whether it's to do homework, hang out with some other friend, or stare at my computer screen, I have been putting off spending time working on relationships in my life that I find more difficult. Relationships that either take more time, or that I don't find immediately beneficial to me. I've been really self-centered and I think God has shown me that I can't continue to follow him and deny these relationships that He has given me.

So from now on, I'm going to spend less time on things that glorify me, and more time and effort on things and relationships especially, that glorify God.

Childlike innocence

2007-11-06T19:53:00.000-08:00

I stumbled across this picture tonight as I was looking through photos on my computer. As I gazed at my 2 year old face through my computer screen, I found it hard to recognize this little girl sitting on the Fischer-Price toy in front of me. Same dark eyes, same facial structure, my hair was a bit blonder back then, but still recognizable as me in the picture. Yet so much has changed since the summer day on which this photograph was taken.

I've grown up from the 2 year old little girl in the polka-dotted, white sundress to who I am today; an almost 19 year old university student.

I have made and treasured relationships with many people. I have made a few friends that I know will be around for the rest of my life. I have travelled to Cuba and France and seen the way that the people there live their lives. I have loved and been loved. I have graduated and learned to drive. I've cried, laughed, danced and yelled. I have grown in my faith and in my love of Christ.

Yet, for all of the amazing opportunities and learning that I have experienced in my life since this picture was taken, I still envy this little girl for something she has that I have somehow lost. Her innocence and complete dependance on something bigger than herself.

Through the many roads I have traveled, and the many things I have seen, I have lost that childlike innocence. The world is no longer a huge playground for me to play in, a happy place full of love and joy. I no longer look to my daddy for everything that I need. I have learned to rely on myself for my wants and needs.

I think this relates to my spiritual life as well. When I was young, I knew little and relied completely on my parents for my wants and needs. Now that I have grown older, I have learned to rely on myself more and more. In this way, I have developed tendencies to also act that way towards God. I offer Him situations in my life, but attempt to work through these situations that I have 'given God control of', by myself. Although I pray about situations, there is always an ounce of me that holds on and refuses to let go.

So this is what I'm praying for. In a small way, I would like to remain like this little girl. A child who, through everything she does, still relies on her Father up above to supply her with her every need.

Luke 18:16-17
Then Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn't recieve the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it."

Soul mates

2007-11-04T23:14:00.000-08:00

I went for a walk with a friend today around Nanaimo and we got on the topic of soul mates and whether we actually believed there was such a thing.

This is something I often wonder about. Is there really just one person out there, out of the +/- 7 billion people in this world who is entirely perfect for me? One person, living anywhere on this planet, who could compliment me in every way? Is it possible that God has one man in mind for me, only one man, and that I would be more blessed with this one man than anyone else in this world? And if there is only one man set aside with my name across his forehead, would God continually lead me back to him if I chose another path to follow?

Or could it be that God has more than one person set aside with whom He would fully bless a relationship? Is it possible that no matter how much I mess up God's plans for my life in that area, that He will still provide me with someone? Or is it just a hit and miss deal?

Sometimes I wonder if I think too much.

You know you live in residence when...

2007-10-23T12:24:00.000-07:00

you can sleep through ANYTHING
your daydreams in class consist of you sitting at your kitchen table at home with your mother serving you home cooked food
you are highly skilled in the art of floor organization because you have no shelves left to fill
you have no sense of what-not-to-wear-in-public. Noone cares when you walk around residence in your pajamas/boxers...why should anyone outside?
you have spent days/weeks without actually leaving campus
you do your cooking on the days imediately preceeding cleaning lady visits because the kitchen actually looks like a kitchen then

You know you're a college/university student when...

2007-10-23T12:10:00.000-07:00

your heart jumps everytime you see a pdf version of something on Google. (It means you can actually use it as a valid source of information for a paper.)
you can quote on demand at least 5 ways to make spaghetti taste good.
you have two calendars on your wall; one for assignment due dates, and one for social things
the assignment calendar on your wall has more on it than the social calendar
you read ALL the time, but can't remember when the last time you read a novel was
you can quote the entire APA citation system

'Katrina's wings'

2007-10-19T22:27:00.000-07:00

I do not recall which day that God created love. But Sister Bickle had told me more than once that He demonstrated it and gave man the ability to exercise it, which tells me that God's never-changing character embodies this ethereal nature called love. Always has. He owns it. He is love. And everything He touched left traces of it all over the earth, an elixir that smelled good to girls and caused boys to lose their ever-loving minds.

It made me believe that if God had handed each person - say Adam and Eve, for starters - a little box and said, "Now here's your portion of love. Don't spend it all in one place," man would have taken his box. But instead of handing it over to his mate, he would have poured it out all over his puny, quivering, naked body as he danced in paradise and shouted to Eve, "Look at me, I'm in love, I'm in love," while Eve just shook her head and said, "You certainly are, Adam. Have a good time without me."

But God allowed little potent traces of love to inhabit us in places where we could not extract it and use it for our own selfish purposes. We could only give it away. Therein lies the essence of heartache - the pain of what ensues thereafter.

And that is what robbed me of sleep.

Things that I miss...or that I just really enjoy

2007-10-14T18:00:00.000-07:00

having an entire day with no plans and choosing to waste it away by reading a really good book
driving around Kelowna in the dark
going to karate workshops, spending 8 hours a day for 3-4 days straight working my butt off before going back to the condo/hotel in pain and complete fatigue, and loving every second of it
going on walks and having a hand just 'there' for you to hold
being at my grandma's old house
spending an entire day out on the lake in a sailboat or a Hobie cat
standing on the dock at camp during the thursday night taper services and watching the sun go down
living with anywhere from 2 to 4 other girls in a crowded one room cabin
having 'mother-daughter' chat time
watching a movie with someone special and having absolutely no idea what's actually going on because you spend all of your energy watching the person rather than the TV
sitting in a hot tub late at night looking at the stars

Fear

2007-10-11T18:43:00.000-07:00

I was looking underneath my bed the other day and found a box of random things I had brought to Nanaimo from Kelowna that I conveniently forgot to unpack. In the box was an old journal full of quotes, excerpts from books, and song lyrics that I have liked. Here is an excerpt from a book called 'The life of Pi' by Yann Martel.

I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease.

It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble.

You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You find yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread.

Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an oppossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees start to shake as though they were dancing. Your head strains too much while your sphincter relaxes too much. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart.

Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear. Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you've defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you.

The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it.

So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.

Feminists...ugh

2007-10-08T12:12:00.001-07:00

If there is one thing that I find extremely irritating, it has to be feminists. I just don't understand them.

I do realize that back in the day women were viewed as less than men. I understand that that wasn't entirely fair. But I don't understand how in this day and age, that can be used as an argument. "Women should have more rights than men because of how our great-great-great-great-grandmothers were treated." Get over it. Women nowadays, at least in Canada, have amazing opportunities. We can wear whatever we want, get any job or education we want, etc. Sure there are men around who discriminate against women, but there are also women around who discriminate against men.

What are feminists anyways? They're some sort of hybrid species...a cross between a guy and a girl. Sure they look female, but their aggressive, masculine attitudes indicate differently. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that girls should be submissive, quiet, and unobstrusive. I just think that a healthy balance is required. And I don't believe that feminists have that.

I feel sorry for guys out there. They try and be nice by opening the door for a woman, and they get shunned for being 'old-fashioned' and for 'treating women differently'. Yet if they don't open the door they are seen as being jerks who don't know how to treat a woman right. Where is the common sense in that?!

I understand that I am a bit old fashioned in my views. I don't see anything wrong with that. I believe that there is a difference in the roles that God intended men and women to play. I believe that God intended men to be the leaders, and women to be their support. I don't mean that women should be bathmats to the men in their lives. Women should still have a backbone. Scripture says that men and women are both equal in God's sight, but if they both try and be the leader then no one wins. God made women to be the supporters, He called them to serve their husbands in everything they do. I think one of the reasons that relationships are so confused nowadays is because of this. Women have shunned their God given duties and attributes.

I bet if you went to a college or university and anonymously surveyed women there you would find that many women have the dream of marrying and having a family. Yet the world shuns this dream. Women who want to settle down into a marraige and children are viewed as old fashioned and not goal oriented. Women are urged to get out, get an education, and join the working force. Women are told they should be independant. "We don't need a man to make us complete." I believe that this is wrong. Sure, we don't need men to complete us, but by choosing to believe that men are not needed in a women's life, we are in fact turning men away from the path God has chosen for them to take.

Just as the world has turned women into dominant and controlling figures, it has also turned men into submissive figures. Men don't have to do anything in order to get women anymore. They just fall into their laps. Men have let go of their God-given inclinations to become doormats. They don't fight for anything anymore. They have been beaten down by our feministic culture, criticized for being too masculine, too protective, too manly. Men are being made to be 'nice'. I can tell you one thing, I don't want a 'nice' man. I want a man who will fight for me, a man who is masculine and has accepted and is working towards the the man that God wants him to be.

What the world needs are men who are willing to work hard in order to obtain things. It needs women who are willing to stand behind the man in their life and support them through everything they do. It needs men who will pursue the woman in their life with all their heart and soul. It needs women who will sit back and wait to be pursued rather than impulsively taking the reins in a relationship.

What the world really needs are men and women who will choose to follow the roles that God has set for them in everything they do.

A few tips I would like to pass on to some guys

2007-09-29T00:58:00.000-07:00

The gym is not synonymous with a meat market. Most girls actually go there to get a good work out. Therefore it is not appreciated when you:

a.) stop a girl mid-workout to 'get to know her'. or

b.) stop a girl mid-workout to ask for her number.

When asking for a girl's number, if her response is, "I have a boyfriend", this is not code for... "Keep asking me for my number because eventually I will cave in to you and forget all about my boyfriend to pursue a relationship with someone I don't even know."

Please do not shout, whistle or make obscene gestures out the window when you pass an attractive girl on the street. We are not dogs.

As much as you may love your new boxers, we don't want to see them.

We do realise that we have chests...you don't have to stare at them for us to notice that they are there.

Fashion sense is always a nice thing. Ribbed shirts...no. Hawaiian shorts and striped button-up shirts...no. Wife beaters...no. If you don't know the difference between Abercrombie and Walmart, stick to jeans and a tshirt.

Girls appreciate guys who make first moves. This can be anything from initiating a conversation, to planning a date, to asking her out. It shows confidence when a guy is the initiator. And confidence is hot.

Little things DO count. Actions like holding open the door for a girl to walk through, actually listening to her when she talks and leaving her little notes and emails go a long way to showing a girl that you actually care. We don't need hugely expensive gifts...a little thought goes a long way.

And last but not least...

Crotch grabbing is unacceptable.

A few things I have realised in the past month...

2007-09-26T10:32:00.001-07:00

John Mayer makes for really amazing wake-up music.
Reading multiple chapters of textbooks is pretty much impossible unless you happen to be in a white, window-less, computer-less, stimulus-less room. And even then it's hard.
Spaghetti sauce lasts for ages in the fridge...cheese on the other hand does not.
It is possible to drive a car down a hill without turning it on.
Recreational level volleyball should really be called, 'Volleyball that does not require any skill or experience whatsoever.'
Recreational volleyball should NOT be played by anyone who has any skill or experience whatsoever. It is, in fact dangerous to your mental health.
You can skip classes in University and noone cares!
It is way easier to wake up at 6am than 7:30am. Yet it is way harder to stay awake in class if you wake up at 6am than if you wake up at 7:30am.
Parents actually like it if you phone them once in a while.

And...blogger is a really easy way to waste time.

Heaven

2007-09-23T15:00:00.000-07:00

I am standing in the smooth sand along the shore of the ocean. The sky is like a blanket wrapping itself around me and the stars are twinkling like tiny fireflies in the sky. I have no shoes on and I can feel the soft, grit of the sand working its way inbetween my toes. My jeans are rolled up just above my ankles, and the frothy waves of the ocean just touch the tips of my sandy toes each time they come rolling in.

There is a warm, soothing breeze floating along the shoreline that carries the calming smell of the salty ocean along with it. My thoughts, like the far-off horizon, seem uncontained and unhindered by emotional and intellectual boundaries.

I'm alone on the beach, yet I can feel another presence with me. The soothing presence of one who knows me better than I know myself. In this one place, I feel God more than anywhere else. In this one place I can pause my scattered thoughts, my over stimulated brain and just relax. I feel at peace in this setting. Time stands still and I feel the God of the Universe reach out to me with loving arms. He shows me the splendor of His creation in the environment that is surrounding me. In the green twinkle of the phosphorescence in the water, the warm breeze that tickles my skin, the sting of the cold water against the tips of my toes, I can feel God demonstrating his unconditional love for me.

This is my happy place. I really wish I could be there right now.

A lesson in labels

2007-09-18T22:42:00.000-07:00

In my cultural diversity class today the prof asked us to make a web of four stereotypical labels that we associate ourselves with. We were then asked three questions related to them. One question in particular I found really interesting.

The question was: Share a story about a time it was especially painful to be identified with one of your identifiers or descriptors.

The descriptors that I wrote down on my paper were: Christian, Athlete, Teenage caucasian female and daughter. Looking at question three on the paper, I found it hard to pinpoint a time or experience in which I had felt judged by a certain stereotype. I'm not a minority, I have no disabilities...basically I am an average, white, middle class, Canadian. But then I thought a little harder and was able to come up with a story.

When I was growing up, I was friends with a group of girls all my age, all living within the same neighborhood. We travelled all the way through the public school system together. Elementary school, middle school and finally high school. We were always a tightly knit group. Of course there were benefits to having such a tight group of girlfriends. I was pretty much granted automatic popularity and I never had any troubles finding a friend to hang out with. But I also never gained any individualism. I was seen as a part of a whole rather than the individual that I was. And because I was fairly quiet, it was taken for granted that I was just another version of all my friends. And seeing as all my friends were blonde haired and very ditzy, I gained that reputation as well. Even though I always maintained a high GPA all through school, I was seen as a dumb blonde. And how did I deal with it? I acted the part. Instead of purposely trying to change the stereotype that was placed upon myself, I accepted it as truth and began to act in ways that verified the generalization. I did things like asking stupid questions that I already knew the answer to and dumbing-down my vocabulary. I truly believed that I was stupid.

To this day I have troubles believing that I am smart. I have long since stopped 'dumbing' myself down. Yet I still write off my good grades as school smarts - anyone can read a book or listen to a lecture and answer questions on it. I refuse to accredit myself with anything other than good work habits.

Just thinking about this one scenario in my life makes me understand how and why people are the way they are. Our past and the labels that people have placed upon us do have a big impact on who we become. I could have chosen to ignore the stereotype that I was burdened with. I chose to conform to it instead and I am not proud of that. But other people have more difficult labels placed upon their shoulders. Labels and circumstances like disabilities and poverty that actually limit them physically and circumstancially.

How you deal with these generalizations shapes and molds you into the person you are. Everyone deals with stereotypes in their lifetime. Some people rise above them to accomplish amazing things, others stumble over them their whole lives.

It's all in how you deal...

Some things about me you probably don't know..

2007-09-15T19:31:00.000-07:00

I feel more attractive when I wear my glasses than when I don't. I also find glasses on other people really attractive.
My favourite movie is Forest Gump and I have no idea why.
I used to think that if I stood on a chair and covered my eyes with my hands that noone would be able to see me.
When I find a new song that I love, I play it over and over on repeat until I get tired of it which can be anywhere from 3 days to a week.
Every night before I went to sleep when I was a child my dad would tell me to pray for 'longer leggies', and I always did. I was the tallest in my class until grade 4 and then I stopped praying for longer legs because I no longer wanted them. Now I'm short.
I love unstirred soy yogurt.
I have sprained my ankle twice by stepping on tennis balls.
I hate talking on the phone.
If I could choose two skills that I could aquire without any work it would be to be able to speak spanish and play the guitar really well.
I always wish upon a star.

Insomnia

2007-09-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

Lately I find myself waking up at insane hours of the night for no reason at all. There are no noises around to wake me up and even if there were...I'm a very deep sleeper. It's not even the fact that I wake up...it's the fact that when I do wake up I am completely awake. It's not an in between, half-awake-half-asleep frame of mind. When I wake up I am completely aware of everything around me and my thoughts are all very tangible.

And I find that at this point in the night, all I really want to do is pray. I just get an intense urge to offer up everything that is going on in my life and everyone that is involved in it to God. So I end up lying in my bed in the dark praying about anything and everything.

Now in the daytime, thinking back to all the things that I do pray for and have prayed for during the past week or two of interupted sleeping nights...I can really see God working. I've offered up situations to God that I can't seem to grasp on my own. I've asked Him to make things clear to me in a way that I can fully understand what I should be doing according to His plans for my life. And I can see these prayers working in my life.

Maybe it's the fact that when I pray during the day I am distracted and don't pray with all of my attention. But praying at night seems to take away all these distractions for me. It makes my prayers seem so much more real.

God is truly great.

Word of God Speak - MercyMe

2007-09-10T19:59:00.000-07:00

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see Your Majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is that it's ok

Things I love...

2007-09-09T18:49:00.000-07:00

running in the middle of a rainstorm getting completely soaked through all of your clothes and stepping through enormous puddles just for fun
hugs with people you really care about
finding a new song that I love and playing it on repeat for 3 days straight
driving late at night by myself listening to relaxing music and thinking about life
completely connecting with a set at a perfect angle and spiking it straight down into the opponents court...and then hearing your team scream "ace"
snuggling into a nice warm blanket with a cup of tea and a really good book
waking up in a wonderful pain after a hard work out the day before
sending and recieving random encouragement notes
that feeling you get when a certain special someone smiles at you

Psalm 139:13-16

2007-09-08T00:37:00.000-07:00

For You created my inmost being;

You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the

secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes

saw my unformed body.

All the days adorned for me were written in Your book

before one of them came to be.

Non negotiables

2007-09-05T23:52:00.000-07:00

I was hanging out with a bunch of people from camp last weekend and we got on the topic of characteristics of a perfect boyfriend/girlfriend.
Most people have grown up with the physical picture of the perfect member of the opposite sex engraved into their minds. Mine as a girl was always a tall, blonde, blue eyed surfer guy. Well liked by girls everywhere he would sweep me off of my feet and carry me off into the sunset while all the other girls jealously watched.
This past weekend reaffirmed the traits that I do and do not want in a potential husband. Through friendships and casual dating my idea of a perfect guy has changed dramatically.
I no longer want a guy that all the girls can't keep their hands off. I don't want a guy who is impulsive enough to carry off a random girl into the sunset.
I do however want a guy who has some colour coordination (fashion sense is key). I want a guy who has a strong relationship with God and who can be the spiritual leader in a relationship. I want a guy who is impulsive enough to go on a road trip with a couple hours notice yet not impulsive enough to make a major life decision without thinking and praying about it. I want a guy who is confident but not cocky. I want a guy who can't live without music. I want a guy who can make me laugh until I cry and who thinks that I'm slightly funny too. I want a guy with goals and aspirations in all aspects of his life.
These are some of the important traits that I need in a guy. Non negotioables.
Just thinking about these things really excites me. Because I honestly believe in my heart that God has a guy set aside just for me who has all of these traits.
And I'm going to try my hardest to trust that God will bring him into my life at the perfect time.